Innocent Decision

2010-08-22T21:13:00.000+08:00

It's been like years since i blogged! SOBZ :(

Have been pretty busy. Especially this week! Gosh. I have been so busy that I was dead tired today causing me to cancel a few of my appointments, something that i usually don't do.! :)

Sorry to those whom I wish Happy Birthday. Kinda slipped my mind!

Good thing that I squeeze that little time to text my close ones a simple good morning msg. and sometimes a good nite msg.!
A special thanks to my fellow force. Who somehow just makes my day. Even if she is depressed and decided to tell me how upset she is, somehow it makes me laugh. She's is just so adorable! Haha :)

Aadi Maasam has ended. Of course, yet another eventful one.
Not forgetting all the various poojas that i attended.
Now is like the theemithi period - the flag has been hoisted. Had the opportunity to watch the karagam and the flag hoisting this year. Hooray!

Muar theemithi - obviously etched a huge scar in my heart (and small ones on my foot!).

Bhajans - just one word: DAMAGED.

Dreams, as alwais i believe they are message conveyers (or is it conveyOrs?). And yes, they have had played a part in this exciting period of time!

Friendships have just been another passing clouds, some with a slight drizzle, some with heavy pours, some just to shade me away from the bright, burning sun. :) I have to say this - i miss my one day friend! ("hosanna").

ORD seems so near yet so far. Not that im dying to ORD, but I wanna do alot of things before I leave.
And i can this out loud - I HAVE THE BEST BOSS! :)

Thanks to Nantheni, i got the chance to revive one of my passions. Enjoyed that short period of time. And am happy that at least it got my rusty brain back alive!

"Even when the world ends,

there's one thing that will never end.

The fight between me and u!" :)

"Life is a simple mystery

that brings you far.

If not for its presence,

life will be a roller coaster,

that is under repair!"

"If everything seems so normal

when u are around,

why does things seem abnormal,

when I am around u?

Is there a difference,

or would it be better

if we both never met?"

Contrasting compatibility,

RaghaBoi

2010-07-04T00:26:00.002+08:00

Bloggin with a heavy heart is rather fun!

Let me begin with two drama production that i caught, last week and today.

First - BOMOH, by VVV Theatre Production (if i got the name wrong, pardon me).
Interesting name for a production eh.
It was a simple yet beautiful production. It highlighted the various reasons why people end up using black magic (thru a Bomoh).
- Anger
- Jealousy
- Selfishness
- Fame
- Fear
- Greed

These traits are quite normal in today's world. But the fact that these are the reasons behind why people approach a bomoh to get things done the dark way, shows how much power these negative traits have.

Each trait was played by a character and everyone did justice to that trait. Yes. Simple costumes and simple sets (more like just one set) just to prove a simple concept.

One thing i was discussing with my two sisters who accompanied to watch the production was the fact that they could have introduced another character - the bomoh himself.

As in, each character was made to confess that they visited a bomoh for their own personal reasons, which could have led to the death of one man. Also, they had to enact what happened to the man because of the work of the bomoh. This i felt, could have been done by a bomoh himself, instead of getting the characters to do it.

But the "godly" character, with his huge size and LOUD voice, was surely the highlight of the show. I daresay the floor was his. Yes!

Another thing i felt could have been done was to introduce how the bomoh does his work. however, upon further though, i realised that, that doing so could lead to undesirable circumstances. People may practice what was done during the production and.....

However, they did touch and go on how some people perform these black magic. Like for example, my senior Devi, did the role portraying selfishness. She wanted the man for herself thus she approached a bomoh. She was told by a/the bomoh to go to a grave of a baby, dig out the corpse, cut the head, dig the brain out, mix the oil/fluid from the head/brain with sand and throw it outside the man's house. And also to use the oil and apply it on her eyebrows - this will surely make all guys fall for her seduction.

All in all, the production was awesome and worth the cash. It was as freaky as it's name sounds, having a tinge of humour. And of course, it had various concepts to take home, based on the viewers perspective.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other production: Cindrella by RDG.
Don't ask me why i went to watch a kids' production. I have my reasons. The two producers are good friends of mine. The assistant director is also a veri good friend of mine. People who helped out in the production included two of my seniors. The musicians were my friends. Any reason for me not to support? Haha.

But well, i didnt regret going for it! Like DUH. The kids were simple good at whatever they did. Cute, adorable and purr-fect!

After the show i gotta know that the queen, was my sister's senior's sister. Haha. And she did an amazing job! She is really small sized but her confidence level is sure sky high! She did her role so well, anyone who doesnt admire her must be an idiot!

.........lost the fire to continue......... shall contine tmrw......... :)

Adamant flexibility,
Ragha

2010-07-01T20:47:00.001+08:00

Been a while since i blogged. Felt the necessity to blog today though. Cos of what happened at work. Needless for readers to know what it is, especially since the "news" is not out yet.
But this post has got nothing to do with what happened at work... Just got me thinking...

"Change is the only constant."
Yeah. I don't deny. But it is not necessary to accept all changes right? We can make our own decision to 'fight' against those changes right?

I mean, look at this example. If you have been doing something for like months and someone just decides to change the way you work, can you say NO? Can!

.... I'm getting no where!....

I have to admit. I'm not in ORD mood yet, but have indeed started reflecting my life in NS thus far. More like the life i have been living in SMTI (SAF Medical Training Institute). I have been there almost close to a year and the experience i have been exposed to is surely more that i had expected. Its not my rank or the work i do... But with regards to people... I know that if I'm gonna start, i will end up having a book about all the people i work with.

No doubt, there are some that i hope to bump into everyday - they don't fail to make my day!
There are some who hate me, and they try their best to express it. Took me sometime to notice that (that's how bad they are at doing it).
Well, have to say, some love me too! Like duh!!! Who doesn't?!?!

I really enjoy being in the department that i m in now. PTS - Paramedic Training Section. The name is as cool as being in it. Trust me! Now maybe the key chain that i have hung on my bag makes sense "I 'heart' PTS"...

"Be the change you want to be".

Procrastination. That is a habit that is very hard to give up! Its like smoking. Becomes an addition. Cos every time u procrastinate, somehow, when the due date is up, u manage to complete the task. Who cares whether it is up to standard or is what u expected to deliver - as long as the work is done before the time ends! So whenever you are given the task, you will tell yourself, lets do it way before the due date. Then when u don't start, you almost never bother starting until someone say "Ur work is due tomorrow". Then u sit the whole night and rush thru your work.

Interestingly, some people find it a pleasure and find some sort of pride in telling people "Hey i stayed up all night doing my work. Thank GOD i bothered doing it yesterday. Believe it or not, i started only yesterday."

Hello. That simply shows what a lazy ass you are, in any case u haven't noticed! Haha...

Why this talk about procrastination. Cos i think I'm falling into that same trap! DAMN!

Destroyed Destruction,
RaghaBoi
(a.k.a Uthatha)

2010-06-15T19:26:00.001+08:00

WHAT IS DESTINY TO YOU???

Thats the question i SMS-ed a few of my friends. And these are some of the answers i got:

"Doing well in my A levels" - Sara, my junior

"Destiny to me is like religion Either you believe in or you don't. Or rather believe in its existence or you don't. It's quite an abstract thing to be honest and at this moment in my life, i don't believe i have a destiny" - Aunty Shini

"The end of fate. The last place i reach before death." - Prasana

"Ambiguous, perhaps." - Sivakangai

"My future path that either i choose it to be the way i want or leave it as how the god has written it" - Dappa

"I don't wish to talk about it. Sorry" - Deva

"Something i don't really believe in" - Puvan

followed by a "what is destiny in the first place?" (isn't that what i asked u!!!)

"I feel destiny is something we decide by what we do in our present." - Praveena, my junior

"Destiny is what all your choices in life lead up to." - Seanie

"Destiny is something uncontrollable that happens to you. It's either good or bad. And when it appears you can either embrace it or blame your life on it" -Tanisha

"I think there's no fixed definition. I think it's just fate." - Meena, my junior

"My personal definition is where you reach after death. Also how your death is gonna be. Destiny." -Sara

Yes some of the answers re indeed funny. Haha. Well, there were a few other, one word answers, simply saying "FATE!". And there were a few others who asked me back, what destiny is to me. Well, i simply told them that i haven't got the chance to collate my thoughts so it's hard for me to say anything now. Most were rather surprised by the question. Yes, i know it's really damn random, that outta nowhere someone asks you such thing. Haha. It's just me, for those who know me - someone who thinks alot and aloud via my blog.

Well, why suddenly thoughts about destiny? All thanks to the movie "Prince of Persia". It's a good movie. But im not here to talk about the movie, which i would recommend people to watch though. Although the word destiny wasn't the essence of the movie, the two times that i heard it appear in the movie started my mind going!

There will be this particular scene towards the end of the movie where the heroine would be holding on the the hero who will clinging onto the edge of the cliff with all the sand flying around. She will be forcing the hero to let go off her hand so that the hero can can do what he is supposed to do and she say "it's your destiny, not mine!". She may have said this because in the earlier part of the movie, the hero says something like "we can create our destiny". Soooo... What is destiny???

I checked the web for the meaning and got two:

something to which a person is destined
a predetermined course of events often held by an irresistable power

So... Is that what the general perception of DESTINY seems to be?

Like what Darshu had said, its a rather abstract thing. Which of course, requires more in depth thinking if you want to draw a clear line and define destiny. But well, as much as how people try to define love, is destiny equally that hard? I would say it is harder! Haha.

I can simply define love - 'Love is Bullshit". Something which many people around me tend to disagree. well, i don't blame them. It's just me and the way i think.

But destiny... Is it that easy to pen down one's own destiny? Is it something that we cannot control and like what the web says, something controlled by a greater power? Or are we merely confusing faith with destiny? Can destiny be seen as a goal? A vision to which we look up to, to steer our journey of life? Or is it something too deep for the human mind to understand, so just leave it to the higher being?

Destiny... To me, destiny is an impossible possibility.

2010-05-23T21:12:00.000+08:00

Nilavinai Enakku Arugil Kaatiyathu Neethaanae

Malarin Mugavarigal Sonnathu Neethanae

Kaatru Boomi Vaanam

Kaathal Paesum Megam

Ariumugam Seithathu Yaar

En Anbae Neethanae

Just lyrics from my all time favourites - Oru Poiyavathu Sol Kannae.

"What happens if the person you hate most becomes your second personality?"

And by this, i don't mean a real second person. I am pretty sure that eacn individual has somesort of character in them that they wished they never had. One that isn't exactly good,or something that they were never proud about to consider as an asset and flaunt it.

And what if that particular trait/character becomes the empowering one and takes control of the your life?

Surely, you would have control over it, since it's all about you. But what if you just seem t be weak and let that 'negative' trait take over - leaving you unable to fight back? It's just life the normal cold (what people mistake as flu), where the bug takes over you and makes you feel so miserable that you don't want to work and just spend all day sleeping.

In this kind of situation, what would one do?

Let it take control
Wait for the right time to fight back
Wait for help to come
DIE (haha :p)

Jealousy brings u nowhere!

Anger brings u somewhere, far from being where you want to be.

Happiness brings u everywhere.

Sadness brings you everywhere too, all those places you wouldn't want to be.

Heard this before,

"If you fail to plan, you are planning yo fail".

People who fail in life - do they fail to plan? Or things just happen and they just begin to lose hope and let things fall in place, which isn't the way they wanted things to be in the first place?

I mean, sometimes, when you plan a day ahead, and things take the wrong turn, it ends up leaving you in a day of total mess - something you cannot stop cos everything goes haywire.

When things that you plan for a day can become a failure, what is the guarantee that things you plan for life, would remain the way you planned it?

Honestly, things do NOT turn out the way you want it to be, most of the time. A fellow NSF friend of mine said this " 90% of the things you worry about never happens". Which is true. And at the same time, 90% of the things that you don't worry about happen! Like WTH sia! :)

All in all, there's only one thing that you could do - PREPARE for the worst.

and here it comes again, whatever choice you make, make sure it's YOUR choice and a choice that you never REGRET! :)

Cheers!

Planning to plan,

Ragha

2010-05-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R62X68NGAoo

Please do have a look at this lyrics-video of one my favourite songs.
Titled: Never Had a Dream Come True

I don't know whether i have actualli posted this song/lyrics on my blog before. But im just in love with this song. Everytime i hear it, i make sure it is repeated several times before i stop hearing it. The only reason why it will stop is cos my batt will die or it will be too late. Haha.

I dedicate this song to three girls. Three girls i consider very important in my life.

She has been with me for the longest period of time. I think i know her inside out. I just want to tell her something. Make sure the decisions u take are right. It's gonna be hard for me to see you go thru shit. I think of telling you everytime, but i know it's gonna hurt u big time. I don't know which is more hurtful. What i think i need to tell you or what you are going thru? Maybe the day will come when i need to tell you. But hopefullie, you make a wise choice before then! :)
She has been with me for long. By long, i really mean long. Not many have been with me for that long. The lyrics somehow just remind me of you. Do take a good look at the lyrics. You will find something to reflect on.
She, amongst the three had the shortest time spent with me. By far, i can daresay, that was the shortest friendship (or more) that i ever had! I just remember you, although there's very little chance that we will ever meet. I will remember you for long. I just wanna thank you for that short time we had spent together on our first meet. I will never forget that day. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4mzfUSscyE
Titled: Broken (by Spore Idol Sezairi Sezali)

Heard this song just yesterday. They had broadcasted it on TV. I kinda liked it immediately. It wasn't the voice (Sorry Sezairi), but the lyrics. It was something i could dearly hold on to. I just like the song and the video. Awesome! :)

Declined Acceptance,
Ragha

2010-05-09T20:17:00.002+08:00

Went to catch Ironman2 with my colleagues. Such a unique outing i would say. With my Boss and fellow two NSF. Although, the person who this outing was organised for, didn't/ wasn't able to make it! Haha. It has been a while since i went to watch movies with non-indian friends. And the first time i had the chance to spend time with my boss and department guys, other than in camp/mess/canteen/work-related issues. And yeah, having a drink with them at Macs and the discussions we had. Nice! Thanks Ma'am! :)

The movie was awesome! I liked the Ironman. As in the guy who did the role of Ironman. Not when he was in his Ironman suit saving the world, but when he was just a simple human. I like his personality, if i should say! I don't know whether he was sarcastic... I won't say he was. But, just the way he puts his words across. Simple nice! :)

I know of this man, who is not exactly alone. But seems to be in his own world. Unable to say them out. Cos everyone thinks he is in the wrong. I feel bad that i don't make the effort to help him out. But i know that it is my choice notto actually talk to him. He seems to want to say something to many people, but he chooses to remain silent. He knows that one day, he can rely on the people who are now distant away from him. Or at least he hopes so. I'm sure his hopes will not be dashed! :) Man, just speak up. No point being quiet. U know it is not helping you. I know you find it hard. But face it, it was always this way, in case u haven't realised!

Every time we sms each other, we both know that sometimes whatever we say, just means something. Something more in depth that what it really is supposed to mean! haha. and well, such a chat was carried out yesterday and then it turned explicit. So well, i can assure you. I am thinking. I cannot promise (i don't promise, by the way. I don't believe in it! *Irony*) you that i can make a decision. It takes a while you know. But hopefully i make one, that is good, for both you and me! It's not the number of years, it's the years that are to come!

Idealism and realism. This is what my colleague said " idealisms will never become realism". And another friend replied "that is why there have different names". Wasn't a prolonged convo, but an issue that had set me thinking.
Idealism - what you kinda expect, what you look out for, what you prefer. That's how i see idealism.
Realism - what is there right in front of u, reality basically, something that you have little control over.
So is it true that idealism and realism can never meet???

Sometimes i know that whatever they do is wrong? but is it up to me to say anything? yes it is. but will that help? or will it become the cause of separation? im not afraid of separation. But i am more worried about the other party coping with it. Or shall i be selfish and heck about how the other person manages the aftermath?

It is not easy on my part to remain silent. But i think i will just remain silent. But i don't want to see u suffering in that corner. I won't blame you. and it isn't my fault. But it's time i talk. But... It's gonna cause a separation. Wait, didn't i mention that before! Haha. See... I shall make another innocent decision soon! :)

Deciding the Undecided,
Ragha :)

2010-05-02T23:01:00.002+08:00

NavaZ

Dance

Passion

hIm

heR

Devotion

Difference

Finance

-Just all the random thoughts that have been messing up my brain for the past few hours. Expect it to last a while!

Mistaken Identity,
RaghaBoi

2010-04-16T12:42:00.002+08:00

My cussie who visited me in hopsital told me

"this is the first time i'm seeing you like this."

"like what?" i asked.

"quiet you mean?".

"yes. even you noticed. you are always talking. so rare and odd to see you quiet".

and then she texted me

"i miss the talkative ragha".

^^^^^

my sir, ME3 Cheste who visited me alone, turned out to be my dad's friend. he walked in and when he saw my dad, with and exclaimed "EH!", he asked "your son?". and so, now i know they are friends.

*****

another sir of mine, Maj Daniel, gave me an option to look into, with regards to my degree - SAF Scholarship, just like him. Have to do a thorough research before i can come to a conclusion!

&&&&&

Sivakangai is a total joker. she was so baby-like when in the hospital. Practically fascinated with every single thing there - the food, the bed, the tv, the toilet! haha. but she came down two days, god knows for wat! thanks you Sivz!

@@@@@

My dearest Dappa came on the first day itself and she looked like an angel in her punjabi suit! WOW! and the second day that she came, sad, but funny, we were all teasing her about her $10 high heels, that apparently had caused her major discomfort because of the socks! Oops! did i just let the cat outta the bag?!

()()()()()

Lil issues,

Ragha

2010-04-15T19:08:00.003+08:00

A Five day (four night) stay at TTSH.

My stay at TTSH was an awesome one.

Let me first begin with why i was admitted. Stomach Flu and Food Poisoning. I don't think it is the Pizza i ate on sat, but the bottled Coffee that i drank before i ate the pizza. It was exactly when Puyal was about to start when i began vomitting. Everynow and then, i had to get up halfway during the show, go to the toilet and puke. I wanted to watch the Alumni dance as well as the Medley dance performance, and so i stayed till the end. I shall talk about Puyal later.

Even after Puyal ended, my vomitting did not! Took a cab, headed home. Mum brought me to a 24hr clinic and got a jab there. The doctor said that if the jab doesn't take effect i would have to go to the hospital. And just like he said, i had to go to the hospital. However, i was simply too weak too move that my mum had to call the ambulance. And yes, i was brought to the hospital viz ambulance. My first time in one as a casualty, sleeping on the cot-stretcher! Wasn't exactly a thrilling ride though.

Reached the hospital and immediately had an IV drip. The doc did a "one-shot-one-kill" when he drew blood and dislodged the cathether. (this is was happens when u get a medic to explain his stay at a medical facility). The vomitting and diarrhoea did not stop. It was going on and on and on and on...... i was brought to the observatory ward where they kept on giving me oral medicine which didn't make things better, but rather worse. everytime i took the medicine, i ended up puking. I was also given this disgusting orange drink that was supposed to replenish the salt in me, but the moment that fluid touched my taste buds, i vomitted.

Quoting what my mum kept telling everyone who visited me in the hospital, i "looked pathetic. like a child curled up in the womb". My mum was SO worried for me and frustrated with the doctors/nurses there for not attending to me and continually giving me medicines that didn't make a difference. It was when she decided to 'make some noise' when the doctor decided to inject some medicine via IV, miracle or what, i felt SO much better! Honestly, i did not know time was flying. I was brought up to the ward (8A, bed 29) a little late at nite.

The next day when i woke up, i was all so ready to leave. I was feeling so much better. I thought i would just need to rest and all will be fine... Until the nurse told me that i was down with a fever! and then the fever started its work. My joints and muscles started aching so badly, that i became, once again, like a hamster!

and my diarrhoea hadn't exactly stopped. my vomitting had stopped though. And so everytime i wanted to go to the toilet, i had to call for the nurse so that she could take the IV drip tubing outta some machine so that i could carry it to the toilet. that was the most troublesome part of being on drips.

and then my vomitting started again, at 2am in the morning! Damn! When i was all so prepared to get discharged, this had to happen. And then, after breakfast, i vomitted again! and this time the diarrhoea had stopped. urgh! and finally, after some medications, i was feeling so much better and got discharged! YAY!!!

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,

Well, my stay in the hospital made me realise one VERI IMPORTANT thing. LOVE DOES EXIST!
I used to think that love never existed at all and that people confused love with many other things like, affection, passion, etc.. I also used to tell people that parental love is not love but it's just their mere duty, or you could even call it sacrifice.
But now... I do think that love exists! and that's thanks to my MUM! Hearts her loads!

Those days that i spent in the hospital, like some pathetic kid, helpless, my mum was there. She came every morning and left only at 10pm (ignoring the fact that visiting hours were from 12 to 2 and 5 to 8pm). I don't remember seeing her eat her lunch nor dinner. I don't remember seeing her closing her eyes to sleep, even for a little while! And every little movement of mine would cause her to jump out from her seat and see whether i'm alright.

It's hard to explain her actions and my reactions towards them. But one thing for sure, all that she did were out of love! Not because she was my mother or not because i needed them, but because she loved me! and so do i.

LOVE YOU MUM

Love is in the air,

RaghaBoi

2010-04-03T21:01:00.003+08:00

I have got two people to treat:

My dearest lovely sister, Jaga. Why? Cos she had brought me some very good news, regarding her education, like she always does! And yeah, im so happy for her! And of course, once again, she has made me so proud of her. Her achievements since her N levels have been just sooo amazing, i have decided that calling her by her nick (that being LJ) would be an insult to her intelligence. Bet she will be super happy when she reads this! I am really so happy for her. :) And im pretty sure that she will do me proud once again. I wish her all the best in this new journey that she will be embarking on very soon. And of all things, the only thing she asked from me was to organise an outing with NavaZ cos she misses them. Well, i will, my dear! Just for u!
My darling friend, Aunty Shini. It is pretty obvious why. For all the hard work she has put in to choreograph the Alumni dance. With all that stress she has with her school assignment and her social life, she has been so dedicated and comitted with the dance. Attending all practices on time, despite them being so early in the morning, on a weekend! And her patience in teaching the dancers, who weren't very exactly disciplined. But well, she has made a nice dance piece for the Alumni to perform... All the best with your beauty performance on Puyal, my darling dancers! And thanks to u Shini :) One treat coming your way!

Oh well. Panguni was awesome! There were more kavadis than what i saw in thaipusam! Haha. The weather in the morning was so hot, i would say burning. The weather in the afternoon was bad - super heavy rain, that delayed me from leaving home. Left house a little late. Went to "poking place", where there were so many kavadis! Simply beautiful! And then, it was drizzling rather heavily and all i could see after leaving the "poking place" were umbrella tops instead of the kavadis' uchi (top). There was this particular Kavadi that attracted my attention. The HUGE Durgai Amman kavadi that was being shifted around here and there, i couldn't stop to take a photo of it. But it was simply LARGE and amazing. Another one was the Hanuman Kavadi, that Singaiyidi Urumi was playing for. The hanuman was just sooo handsome. I liked his eyes! It was so striking and was standing tall and proud! Nice nice!

I am so sure that im not addicted to coffee. Just addicted to Starbucks and McCafe. Starbucks - all thanks to Deva annae. He practically goes there everyday, buys the same drink, that costs $7, and stays there till rather late! McCafe - just tried their Frappe once and got simple addicted to it! So nice and rich! HMMM... Can i get one now!? PLS!!! Haha. But well, its a expensive-everyday-drink!

Have been rather busy this week. Having a lot of events cropping up out of nowhere and im surprised that i have been managing them pretty well! Haha. But i am sure tired!

Nice name. Sweet Smile. Ever since the first day, the thought has been about u! :)

Finding love, again,

Ragha

2010-04-02T09:45:00.002+08:00

Sitting in that corner

and crying won't help.

Maybe....

it's time u make a decision.

a serious one!

have a life.

live it.

a smile is what i want to see,

my angel.

every tear shed

is a drop of my blood.

i'm willing to lose

all my blood.

but not your soul.

each weep is

a breath of mine.

i'm willing to lose

my breath.

but not your presence.

every thought is

my cell.

i'm willing to lose

all my cells.

but not your happiness.

Loves,

Ragha

2010-03-23T10:58:00.003+08:00

I'm on off today. Supposed to be heading out. But well, the rain spoilt my plans and I did not have a wet weather plan (unlike my EMT POC. Ha). and so here i am, typing a post.

Was Facebook-ing. Came across Puva's post about indians and gossip. I replied to it in Facebook itself. So if you wanna read it, go to her account. But the bottom line that i wish to emphasis here is:

"Life is yours. Make the decision. Just don't regret it".

I know of many who will sigh (heavily) upon reading that particular quote mentioned above. Well, that's cos this will be the __"many"ieth time im repeating that. And well, i can bravely say that, this is the principle i base my life upon!

I know that i have made decisions that i do regret now. But well, that's way before i started following that statement. And now, when i think about it, i see no point regretting. cos after all the only thing that can change, if i sit and regret about what has happen is TIME. That, i would consider, not exactly a change but a WASTE, waste of time (if you can't really see the explicit difference).

......................................

I was walking from point to point with my colleague Jamie and was telling him how much i love the view from my bunk. If you don't know why, cos of the sunrise and maybe cos of the memory that it brings back. The time when WE (me and someone special, i suppose) stayed awake the whole night just to see the sunrise. Which turned out to be an epic failiure cos we didn't get to see it, cos of the clouds! Sad huh!

Well, it was just when i was telling him about the beauty of the sunrise that some thought raced thru my head, with regards to the sunrise and us! Just like how we did not mange to see the sunrise, could it be because we weren't meant to see it? Just like how it could be that we weren't meant to be? *Think*
I don't deny that i tried, again. I sent a friend request last weekend, only to get it rejected. Haha. And so here ends the chapter, and maybe the story itself. Abrupt it may be, that's the best ending anyone could have ever known. It's the best ending for that character!

...................

and i was having a SMS convo with this friend of mine. Somehow we had to touch on the topic of trust. And not so coincidentally, the Nijangal Drama Series was being broadcasted on TV. It was 1030 plus la. What else do u expect an indian to be doing other than watching that show! It has become an addiction.

Interestingly, the drama is entitled Nijangal, which means truth, but everything that goes on in the drama unfolds from some form of lie. Maybe that is why it is captioned as "the untold", which i personally feel is such a appropriate and fantastic choice of word! Practically every character in the drama has been living a 'fake' life.

Coming back from the drift. He asked me whether i would forgive and accept someone who has repented... And i said, "I think so". When i posted him back the same question, his answer was a definite yes. BUT "i will still suspect him la"...
So now, aren't you the one cheating him. You tell him to you accepted his apology and all but deep in your heart, you are not willing to trust him. So might as well, just tell him you don't trust him mah?!?!

Immaculate Scar

RaghaBoi :)

2010-03-20T14:33:00.003+08:00

Honestly, if you think I'm kept in the dark, I'm sorry (needless for you to forgive).
There's media, specifically Facebook. So what more do i need when I'm your friend in Facebook and you choose to upload silly photos of yourself with your "oh-so-loving" friends.

You think i should be nice any longer? Hell NO! I seriously will start doubting my sanity if i just leave of like that! Honestly, i believe my frustration isn't exactly justified! Contradiction eh. But i think it's time that i open my eyes, not that it was closed thus far. I need to open my eyes and my mouth as well! :)

And i soo miss dancing! Reminds me of all those times when i sourced my creativity into dance and not into studies! Thinking and knowing that afterall pursuing my passion is what i believe in! And well, not that i choose to differ now, but it isn't exactly a wise choice.

Nonetheless, i will still believe in pursuing my passion. Just that, in the current situation, i am very much curbed. Not that I am tied down by relationship or work, just my fears!

Did i mention? I actually was this close (not like you would know how close, however much i emphasise)... This close to admitting that i do not hate love, but just fear love. Then when i was into making an innocent decision (hmph!) whether that was true, i took the SAFE step back. No! It's not my fear that makes me want to not believe in love. It's just my innocent decision to not believe in love. Haha.

However much i can be a fan of Paulo Coelho, who 'die-die' (simple to say stands stong) says that love is natural and is a must to make one a complete being. He also says that, love is a way to commune with God! And here I am, all so pious and devotional, but just not ready to accept the existence of love.

Wait, correction. Not that i don't wanna accept the existence of love. I don't believe in the existence of love. By saying that i don't wanna accept, i indirectly agree that love exist. Get what i mean? Of course, to most dummies who think i talk too much and "show-off my english", it doesn't matter whether you understand or not!

Rain Game;

Ragha

2010-03-14T19:24:00.002+08:00

I will never forget Friday, 12th March.
Was so super tired. Was dreading the fact that i had to go camp and spend another day there, before the weekend comes.
What more, when u know that u have to be an evaluator for trainees for Spinal management. It makes u feel even worse when u don't know what time it will end and you have another appointment to make it too before the day comes to an end.
And u can fall face flat on the bed, sighing "good night", not to anyone but just to yourself to remind u that the day has ended.
And then you realise that u cannot sleep that very peacefully cos u have to get up early cos u have to go somewhere not so far and not so near, but somewhere u have no idea how to go to!

But... That Friday morning brought a whole new life into me when i had the great opportunity to catch something so awesome. Something that i will never forget in my life!

I remember looking at my watch. I don't remember the time though, but i remember telling myself, "there's still time. let's just close my eyes and wake up in another 10mins!". Before i laid my head down on the pillow i caught a glimpse of light reflected on the window pane. It really caught my attention.

Got up from my bed and went to the window and peeked out. WOAH!!! What i saw was a lifetime experience. SUNRISE! To most of u, it may seem a small issue. But to me, it was an event! Haha. I was mesmerised by the beauty of the sunrise! I stood there watching it for nearly about 5 minutes! It was simply perfect!

I know it wasn't exactly the best place to admire a sunrise. People would rather choose a beach or park or a hilltop to see and enjoy the sunrise. But the bunk! Hell no. What a place! But well... That moment just stays etched in my heart! and i know it will take something so much more greater to remove it from my heart.

two things though.
I wished i had someone to share the joy with. to show the beautiful sunrise.! someone to share that precious moment.
it brought back memories of this special someone. Someone, a new introduction in my life, whom i had spent a whole night with waiting to watch the sunrise that never came. and it was exactly in that same bunk where that same someone msged me about how special that sunrise was!
I Miss You. :)

Meeting my fisherman.

RaghaBoi

2010-02-28T22:46:00.003+08:00

Where do i begin???

Have been thru alot of thinking, for like the past few hours. Trust me, just hours. It's not proportionate to the amount of thoughts that have ran thru my head!

Interestingly, im not yet stressed! haha :) Yay.!

So, yeah. Have taken this innocent decision, AGAIN.
Turning to the burning path. Why the burning path? For me to know, for u to find out!

Honestly, i think its time that i broke the silence. I have been quiet for too long. I know that im not the perfect person. Have been making alot of silly mistakes quite recently. But do i look like i care, that it would affect my decision? NO. Hell NO!!!

I know it would be an insult/embarrassment. But well, I'm ready to face it. If i have to live thru it, yeah, im okay. I would rather go thru that than be stuck with the simple, suggestively screwed life, that i have no control of now. Why? Mistakes again!

So, when im not in control of the life that i live, is it a life worth living? Of course lah, duh! NO!
So when the decision is made, does that change alot of things? Yesh, duh. Of course!
Prepared? Not exactly la. But well. It's a decision, filled with innocence!

Like i alwais say. Life alwais gives u two choices. U choose either one and never regret!
Regret is the biggest killer. It's the best way to commit suicide. Haha.

I know it is so unlike me to actually blog about things that happen in my life. But well, to all those frequent visitors, whom i heck whether u read or don't read my blog, it is just to say that i cant be bothered about what you think. Cos in the end the decision is mine.

Life is alwais never about others. Cos in the end, it's ur life. And you live it.
40 years down the road, you wouldnt wanna blame sumone for who you are now. Cos that same someone will say " i told u, but it was ur own choice."...
Ready to face that? then go ahead living for others!

It just tells me again and again, trust urself when u dun wanan trust sumone. when u cannot trust urself, then it's a life unworthy of living. Believing and trusting - two different issues, when looked at from the same perspective.

So.. returning to where it all began. again. never to return to where it ended!

My smile will always be the same.

But behind the smile,

learn to read the difference.

Cos there's more to just than smiles.

Smile smile all the way.

Cos that's the natural me.

Try burning that smile.

Cos that's the path,

that the smile has brought me to.

The burning path.

Innocently decided,
Ragha :)

2010-02-16T00:45:00.002+08:00

RANDOM THOUGHTS

27th November. An important date that follows after 1st November. Just this two important dates that i hold on to dearly and tightly. They bring in those happy memories that will last me a lifetime. Memories that i will never experience before because the people who are involved will never be back with me again. Yes, that hurts. But the memories cover them all up, making me smile :)

People whom i treasure will always remain deep in my heart. And this does not necessarily mean that i will shower you with love always. There have been times where there were problems. I never bothered to solve them. Why? My fear. That's a total different issue. How do expect me to be the same after all that happen - this is the only simplest way i can put it forth to u. I knowyou need me. My mere presence makes a difference in your life. Yeah, it used to be that way. And even now, i know, but that's what i do not want. But that's not how things work you know. I do keep memories, really "store" them in my heart. So well, you do not expect me to forget this that easily, do you???

So, the second one. And i'm afraid that will be the last. You can say it was the second. She knows it too. And that's why that decision. And here is my decision, "sorry, but no more!". I'm sorry if that was an impactful few days. It wasn't meant to be that way. It was supposed to be forever, but since you decided against it... I'm in no position to say "no". Not like things are going to work out, cos im not gona try. So yeah, Sorry again. :)

That's the scene i never wanna see again. Never saw one. But every resemblance of it makes me wanna scream out loud. Neither's fault. It never did happen that day. It happens every other day. I get to see it, but i choose not to! It only reminds me of you. And imagine going thru that everyday!!!

Something that i don't want - that's what i say sometimes. That's alright - that's what i say sometimes. Why? That's the question. Just another undecisive me, who circums to temptation! It's now or never, i tell myself, but it seems like its never gona be now! So is it a never? That's the question. So is the question "why" or "whether"??? See, a confused soul just confusing others! :)

Just remember my existence.

Cos that's what i want.

Don't think of what's gona happen

after im gone.

Don't waste your tears

when i'm gone.

Save it for the troubles

you will face later on.

Sinking float,

Ragha

2010-01-31T22:34:00.003+08:00

Went to catch the movie "Tooth Fairy" with this new found brother of mine, Ryan. Had a great time with him. :)

Great moive. A movie with a deep conecpt, in comparison with it's simple title.
All about believing. It's just this two words that has been racing thru my mind since the time i caught that movie. "What if?".

This is the question The Rock (Dwayne Johnson as Thompson) will be asked by his girlfriend, when a bad day causes him to flare up at his girlfriend and her kids. His anger demolished the kid's dream of becoming a young rock star - a dream that he began to believe in because Thompson will encourage him to do so. And now, when Thompson says that he cannot become one, the kid is badly affected, depressed - smashed his guitar and walks away. The girlfriend asks what is wrong with him and he replies that he had a bad day. And she slams him back saying that it is not the bad day that made him say that. It's just him, not being able to ask "what if?".

Which is so true! Dwayne will be portrayed as someone who doesn't believe. Someone who sees things in a pessimistic perspective! And so, when he becomes the tooth fairy, he realises that it is all in believing! He begans to live his dream, breaks his own record, supports his son to live his dream...

Well, all these were achieved with his fairy powers! haha. something we normal human don't have! But the moral of the story still applies! Believe! and that's what's going to bring you where u wanna be!
And there's another saying that i would like to accompany with it - "It's not whether u win or lose, it's how u play the game".

Am i addicted to Panadol?

Simplistic Sinner,
RaghaBoi

2010-01-30T23:07:00.002+08:00

"Was it Thaipusam today?", I kept asking myself.
Honestly, it didn't seem like it nor feel like it.
I was at Sri Perumal temple from 10am to 4pm, and i can be sure that i saw less than 50 Kavadis.
That's just a rough gauge la. But i expected to see the usual number of Kavadis that i saw last year and the pervious one as well.
The temple was EMPTY, trust me, compared to previous years, this is considered empty!
The road, was empty! I mean, it was as crowded as usual, where Kavadis will cause a "Kavadi Jam". The flow was rather smooth, not many pauses and Kavadis didn't have to wait much!

Is it because there were really lesser Kavadis or people carried earlier or people carried after i left temple heading home? Can't be the last option, cause the temple said that they would be closing ther entrance doors at 630pm! Which wasn't long from the time i left the temple, or left tekka!

I don't know. It just didn't seem like Thaipusam today! SobZ...

I did enjoy myself though. Seeing all the Kavadis. Most of it were the same as previous years. I could just look at the kavadi and tell whose it was. Or look at the group standing there and know who was going to carry the Kavadi...

Met a lot of people. People who i wanted to meet after so long - Valli ka, Dappa ka.
People who i didn't wanna meet - many will know the name!
People whol i don't rememeber knwoing at all. Trust me, it only happens to me. I end up smiling and saying hi and also having a convo with them, not knowing them, and how they know me!!!

Oh.. Did i mention! Some idiot stole my slipper. For God's sake, its only $7.90. And this only happens to me! During theemithi, during any major event in temple, some guy just manages to take note of my super cheap slipper and takes it away, before i can return home safely with it!
I need to start investing on slippers already. "Ragha Slippers" - does that sound nice? NAH!!!

I can hear GOD telling me to stop SMSing too much! haha. and to stop being nice to everyone. haha. And stop showing my teeth too much when i smile. :)

Ridiculous Reward,
Ragha

2010-01-20T21:30:00.002+08:00

The question is, "Is This What I Want?"

It was repetitive. Running through his head since the time he began SMSing. Even when he was busy with work. Thank GOD he was not distracted.

He was really wondering. That question never popped up before. He never expected it to do so. He was so sure about what he wanted. He was so sure that that's where he was heading to and that he will accomplish that no matter what happens.

He was silent, when that thought came. He was shocked. Needless to say, hurt. Was he living a fake life - the life that he used to hate so much and feel disgusted about?

And he concludes - It's just HIM, and HIMSELF. All about him.
So why care???

Smile all you want

cos it won't be long

cry all you want

cos it won't be long

love all you want

cos it won't be long

but what you get in return

remains for long

pretty long -

hurt, deep hurt,

deeper than the oceans

mankind can ever go,

high, extremely high,

higher than the moutains

mankind has ever scaled.

Innocently decided,

Ragha

2010-01-11T21:43:00.004+08:00

And so...

Was reading Vit blog. About her review on the movie "Fashion". I ain't sure whether it is the title or the way she putsher thoughts across, but somehow, i really want to watch that movie. It has t be Vitz la. Her way of blogging was one of the reasons why i started blogging. Just so captivating! Long though, but really interesting. I spent hours, practically three hours, reading her New Year post! God! Had a headache and eye-ache after that.

So well, me and fashion - just like winter and summer. People who know me will know that i ain't exactly a fashion disaster, but at the same time, i couldn't be bothered less about fashion. Just a simply me is the image i portray. Trying out new style in dressing, hairdo, shoes, etc - not my cup of tea. Sadly.! :(

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Recently, a colleague of mine told me straight in the face that if i do not like someone, i just show it so obviously. Well, i disagreed with that totally.
I immediately sent out a msg asking:

What would you do if u dislike someone,
A. Tell that person straight on the face.
B. Make sure you show it through your actions.
C. Be nice and move away from him/her quietly.
D. Try to be nice and be friends with him.

Interestingly, i had a variety of answers. The maximum answers were D. How nice people are eh! Haha. Two said B. Which is what i would do if i really hated that person. But my personal option would be A. C, in my opinion, is like being a coward or being ingenuine. :)

376 days of 2009. Yes. I have not moved on from it. I hope to do so by end Jan. 2010 seems so far, although it has been 11 days since it begun. People have moved on though.

Calm Confusion,

Ragha :)

Utha Utha Utha Ya

Yatha Yatha Yatha OO

Uthaya

Yatha-OO

OOOOOOOOO

Uthaya!

2010-01-03T21:02:00.003+08:00

Is it just me or is everyone around me just changing?
I don't know. Honestly, i'm lost.

I was telling Vitz that i haven't moved on to 2010. Which is so true. I have been/am living 2009 for the past three days. That makes it 368 days of 2009!

I was prepared for 2010. But now that it has begun, i know that i'm not.
Issues that have not been solved did not seem to end. They decided to follow me to a new beginning. So when something continues, it isn't exactly a new beginning, is it?

I'm trying to solve these issues. Well, i know i can do it fast. Maybe a week, or two.
But the thing is the memories. I also want to leave those memories behind, with the long gone (for ALL) 2009. But i doubt so. It will follow me awhile at least :(

Haha. 2010 didnt start of the way i wanted it to.
But hey, who's the pilot of my life? Me or the people around me?
Duh, ME. So who handles the steering. ME! So yeah. :)
I will get back right on track sometime soon. Not long!

=====

Change. There has this saying going on around, change is the only constant. For those who don't understand, it just means that the only thing that doesn't change is change itself.

Look around u. Is anything ever the same? The leaves, they move. The TV, channels change. The fan, it spins. Everything!

So if change is the only constant, why do people (even ME) get surprised with change? Is it because they don't expect the change? Which is rather stupid because, once again, change is the only constant? Or is it that they already expected a change, but the changed that occured, wasn't the way they expected it to be? Then again, the change itself is a change, so shouldn't we be prepared that the change will change, since change is the only constant?

Well, looking at a different perspective. People aren't used to changes yet because life is ever changing. It's just the rate at this change. For example, your breathing should not be changing so differently, like if it's 18 per minute now, in the next five seconds, there shouldn't be much of change. However, the number of times the your phone rings, you do not know when it is going to ring next. It could be ringing once in two minutes. Or it could be ringing once in an hour.

So, its safe to say that people are TOO accustomed to changes that they become too comfortable with any changes that occur around them, that sometimes when changes do not occur as and when they want it to, it becomes a setback to them. If the change occurs TOO fast, it's understandble why people panick. But if the change happens TOO slow, then maybe it can become a problem because we should be prepared, but somehow, we become too complacent.

Change change change. Has there ever been a person who has never changed his way of living? I dunno. Cos im not planning to be one! Cos i found out that the only where people can move on from where they are, is to accept changes annd expect more changes. So when u accept changes, don't u change as well?

Moral of the 'story' is: Don't be rigid. U ain't a metal. You are HUMAN :)

Unable to leave 2009,
RaghaBoi

2010-01-01T14:05:00.002+08:00

And so begins 2010. :)

First and foremost, Happie New Year to one and all :)

Wanted to do a reflection-blog about 2009, before the year ended. Sadly, didn't find the time to do so. Sobz :(

2010, without any doubt, was a blast start off. Hoping to have more fun and adventure in 2010. With lessons learnt from the past year, hopefully i don't repeat the same mistakes again and lead a better life.

Isn't that what everyone wants, a better life? Lets all make it happen - work together for a better future and life.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me backtrack to 2009, to highlight a few issues that are important.

Love. Apparently, my ex relationship isn't at all ended. Not saying that there's still a problem. Just that the other half seems to be stagnant. I won't blame her for not being able to move on. But well... It's been quite a while - and she doesn't seem to be able to move on. I'm rather surprised cos she seemed like she was all ready for a life without the past affecting her. Well, NO!!! I was wrong. I don't know whether she has something planned for the new year with regards to "us". Something tells me she has. Which is good. Hopefully, she succeeds. :)

Oh... I stayed up late tonight, just to watch "Unnale Unnale". It's a movie so close to heart. I like the storyline, especially the ending. It's a good movie for lovers to watch!

---

Friendship. As expected, i made ALOT of new friends in 2009. Old friends did remain, although some decided to move off. Many problems surfaced with this many people.

NavaZ. First time in three years, there was no NavaZ gathering. And well, noone seemed to disturbed about it. Which is good, just to a smalle extent. Oh, for your info, NavaZ may seem inactive, but it still exist! :) Whether or not, we meet up or have minor problems here and there, there will be no point where NavaZ will cease to exist :)

I have to admit that towards the end of the year, i wasn't as emotionally strong as i did at the beginning of 2009. I managed to pull thru though. Honestly, i was not at all prepared to face 2010. I wanted a new beginning in 2o10, but with so many issues unattended to, 2010 seems like a continuation of 2009, rather than a new beginning. Somehow, i know that sometime soon, 'end' will find its way to me and i can have a new beginning :)

Also, i have to admit that i'm addicted to COFFEE :)

Sometime in Dec, i beging sending many of those people in my contact lists, morning greeting msges. Despite the time being early, many people feedback to me that they appreciate those msges and it makes their day bright. Some even say they look forward to my msges everyday, that when i don't send one, they panick. Haha. I have decided to make an effort to send such msges everyday, but that depends on my brain/mind, because all those msges i sent are created by me - random thoughts that appear in my head when i sit in my office, waiting for work to start :) So fret not, you should be receiving a greeting msg everyday :)

.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.....,,,,

I spent my first day of 2010 reading this story about this girl named Oh Siew May. Someone with cerebral palsy - how she fought her way thru the torments of life and became someone who lived her dream. What shocked me was that she had even scaled a Mount Kinnabalu. That's an achievement! Interestingly, she had a younger sister who was retarded and her brother was not of much help, rather a burden. I have yet to read the whole story.

There's this particular thing that she says with i used to tell people. Everything in life has a choice. Never blame fate for whatever that happens in life, because whatever happens is your choice. The path you chose to take is your choice, whatever happens in that path is fate. If you had chosen the other path, the experiences you encounter there would surely be different.

Another thing that i totally agree with her is the fear of the judgement that people may pass.We tend to not accomplish a lot of things in life cos of this fear. We worry that people might mock us, laugh at us. Siew May was laughed at, she was nicked as an alien, cos of the way she looked and spoke. She had cried to herself many times, questioning GOD whether this is the life she had asked for.

Of course, she did not clear all the obstacles on her own. She had the support of her friends, whom she is very much grateful too. She says that without those friends, she would not be where she is today.

Friends are like studies/lecture. They can only educate you in certain ways. In the end, when you take the examination, you are all alone. Friends teach you thru experience; enemies too. Honestly speaking, enemies teach you more than friends. Because humans tend to learn and remember things when put across in a bitter way :)

My mum always advices (in tamil, and it somewhat rhymes that way) : When someone close to you scolds you, it's an advice. When a stranger scolds you, it's an insult.
Most of the time, we tend to start thinking and acting when we get insulted. We take for granted the lovely advice we receive from people we love.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''////////////////////''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

As for my love life... I know that i said that love is bullshit. In 2010, i have decided to be more open towards love. Afterall, if peopel say that the world revolves around love, there should be a lil sign of existence of love. So i have decided to go all out in search for the existence iof love. Do not take me wrong here - i'm not finding a relationship, but just merely the existence of love! :)

????!!!???!!!??!?!?!?!?!

Should be starting to actively blog again pretty soon. Blog has been dead quite a while since my 19th Birthday :)

Till then,
Cheers,
Happie '10 :)

2009-12-27T21:21:00.002+08:00

Can u believe it? 2009 is going to come to an end! and today is the last sunday of the year! WOW... That's pretty fast... But somehow, NS just seems slow! haha.

Let me back date:

11th Dec 09:
The day i became a one year soldier. i was enlisted into BMTC Sch 1, Cougar Company on the 12th of Dec 2008...
So on 11th Dec, i became a one year soldier, having gone thru BMT, BSLC (@ SISPEC) and Spec 2 (@ SMTI), n continued my life as a medic instructor...
And, on this same day, it was the POP of the first batch of EMT course. EMT - new syllabus for basic medics. So it's the first course... and also MY FIRST BATCH of TRAINEES... :)

As expected, 2009 was an eventful year... Alot of things happened. Expected or not! Haha. But i enjoyed it, ALOT...

well off to do somework.. will be back to blog more :)

2009-12-02T20:15:00.002+08:00

A friend of mine asked me this question yesterday,
"Promises are meant to be broken. What is your view?"

This question made me think. It has been many years since i promised anyone. Why? Because i felt the word promise demeans the term trust. Let me explain myself.

Firstly, replying to my friend's question.
If promises are meant to be broken, what's the point of having them? It's just like a rules. What is the point of having rules when all we do is break them? Might as well don't have rules right???

Personally i feel that promises are meant to be kept. It's just that people don't seem to see the reason behind promises. On the contrary, they give promises with a hidden reason. Promises are given like candy during a kids party. That's how insulting promise has become. :(

Coming back to why i feel that promises demean trust.
Why does someone ask hif/her friend to promise? Because he wants assurance of something. Let's take a look at an example. Peter wants to tell a secret to Jane. He makes her promise that she will not tell this to anyone. This is a rather template scenario when a promise is given.

My question is, if Peter trusted Jane, wouldn't he just tell her the secret instead of making her promise? It makes it look like Peter trust the promise (which ever way it is given - palm over palm, last finger cross, verbally, etc), more than trusting Jane herself. It looks like the 7 letter word is more trustworthy than the person itself. By saying ' i promise' Peter can trust Jane. But doesn't trust Jane when she doesn't promise - is that the issue here? Promise does indeed demean a basic trust between a relationship.

Talking about a relationship - marriage. Taking the vow of marriage (or whatever it is called), does that demean trust too?!!!
Oops. Better not go there. That issue involves the government, religion and love!
Oh, love is still bullshit!

Flowing down the river,

it wasn't water.

Tears.

Tears from the shore.

The question the shore is dying to ask

"Won't you ever stay?

You leave me everytime we meet.

And the scar u leave is pretty deep."

Bold insanity,

RaghaBoi :)

2009-12-02T19:27:00.001+08:00

Just a lil something i came up with. Was bored!

i have to admit.

my heart isn't as strong as meant to be :(

Confidential Confidence,

RaghaBoi

2009-11-28T23:02:00.002+08:00

Have been learning loads about life for the past few days. Am quite surprised how life seems so mundane on every other day and some days it seems so hectic with so many issues to take note of and bother about - like the past few days.

Started last week with my medical centre attachment. I had to bring my trainees there and facilitate their training.
Hmm. Also, my duty in camp on a Wednesday.
Followed by the HQMC (HeadQuarter Medical Corps)Family Day at Wild Wild Wet. I spent my time there from abt 11am to 4pm. Thanks to my fellow NSFs.
And the lil time that i spent at Yuwaraj's chalet before heading home.
Going for my first ever Kumbabishegam (Consecration Ceremony) at Tank Road, Thendayuthapani Temple.
Overnighting at Pasir Ris Chalet (Yuwaraj's) with his friends...

Merely listing down the events that happen for the past one week won't explain much. But it sure show wat an eventful week i had. Whether i enjoyed it was another issue. But many things that happened in the course of the week was surely an eye opener! I had the opportunity to learn about the various people that i work closely with and also about myself. Rather Interesting!

Oh and thanks to all who came for my Sis birthday surprise BBQ. It wasn't exactly a success. I aint sure whether my sister anjoyed it. But i sure did.
I had a reason for organising the get together. :)
The BBQ was awesome. The lashing RAIN, which lashed twice. The fire at the BBQ - how long we took to start it - eh, it really showed how determine we were :) The food - whether it was nice is not the issue :) The people who came - whether they wanted to be there or was forced to be there is their own issue. :)

Patience is something i treasure alot. But sadly, people tend to mistake paitence as mere ignorance. Haha.
Being direct/open is something i always believed in. But sometimes, its best that we keep quiet, cos it solves alot of problem/avoids alot of problems. But then again... Is that the best way?!?!
I still think love is bullshit :) Sorrie :)

If you are confused, do not spread that around. Haha. It's not exactly healthy to have a buncha confused people roaming on the street. It will make the sane become insane; and the insane, brain dead :)

Pessimistic Optimist,

RaghaBoi

2009-11-12T20:29:00.002+08:00

I have reached my 100th post :)

Let's Celebrate :)

Very long since i blogged eh? Why? Cos i have been pretty busy with alot of issues.

Been spending my Saturday nights, out. Outta my home for the whole night just to return back in the morning. Kinda like that life. The night life is so serene, calm, peaceful and COLD *shivers*. But i like it. The feeling of being alone is just so REFRESHing.

would have been 7.

now it's still 7.

7 years of friendship.

still strong and admired :)

"you chose not to believe in love.

it's not that you don't.

i don't know what kinda impression you have about love now.

maybe it's ur past relationship.

but you have believed in love.

and deep down you, u still do.

you are just trying to get that out of ur way.

stop deluding yourself dude"

- this was what someone told me when i told them that i don't believe in love. and well she decided to call me "stone-hearted", which i proudly accept. :)

Have you heard this saying "Empty Vessel makes the most noise".

It is usually used in terms of knowledge.

But i was thinking "I make soooo much of noise. Does that make me an empty vessel?"

Well, of course, YES!!!

Why?

Cos you see, my heart is empty - free of all kinda emotions, especially hatred/dislike/anger/sadness. So i make alot of noises when im with my friends.

I began questioning her.

I told her, it's not love after all i guess.

I don't believe in love.

But ur case was exceptional.

I thought that you were the only true love i found.

But you fooled me :(

and then something tells me.

NO!

That's the trap she wants u to fall in.

This love is the only love that can exist.

And that's the only love i believe in :)

Feared Innocence

RaghaBoi

2009-10-24T21:46:00.003+08:00

And to all my darlings who are doing Os,

ALL THE BEST!!!

BE CONFIDENT.

DO UR BEST.

GOD BLESS :)

Namely:

My Kadai Kutti - Kanegal

(S....) Jack

Miss Pretty - Kanagesh

Mc Chicken Aatha - Vithu

and the many many more people who are doing Os.

2009-10-24T21:24:00.002+08:00

Right now, Im Reasoning the Existence of LOVE.
In case u didn't know, i never believed in love. And now, im actually considering that love does exist but just that i have been ignorant and confused with various 'feelings'. Am very prepared to believe that love does exist. But every time i take the effort to believe in love, something pops and makes me think again! Sad :(

Oh. I was watching this advertisement of the programme "Bathil Sol" (or wateva it is called) on Vasantham earlier on. Anitha Ayyavoo was one the speakers. And from what they spoke, i believe the argument was about dressing up.

I would like to comment on that show. Honestly, it is a surprise that Vasantham made a daring move to actually start such a programme where people, especially youth are given a platform to speak on issues which have been considered sensitive for many years. Like this dressing up topic. People use to be afraid to actually speak about the costumes that dancers/artiste wear during Vasantham shows/performances. And in the next episode, they have actually gotten Anitha Ayyavoo, a famous Indian Model. How many Indian Models do u know who Nationally famous??? Now, it's being explicitly spoken about on National TV. Great move Vasantham. One of the shows i wouldn't want to miss :)

____---____---____---

I was told that even if i dislike something, i should make the effort to appreciate it.
Why???
I was persistent in not going out for a Lan gaming session. The reason i gave was i dislike playing it. And that was the answer i got back.
To me, i can only appreciate something if i like it. U have to like something appreciate it. For eg, u cant possibly appreciate a piece of art if u don't like it.
People may argue that you have to know about art to actually appreciate it. So the fact that u dislike it, doesnt reason out why u cant appreciate it. U being unable to appreciate it is because of the lack of knowledge and exposure to it.
Let me ask u this. If u have interest in art, wouldn't u somehow have a basic knowlegde of art. So isn't that enough to like/dislike or even appreciate it.
All the more, appreciation is a very subjective issue. It is so perspective based. It is up to each and every individual what is appreciative to them. I may appreciate the latest technology. But the older generation may not necessarily appreciate it. U cant say that they don't appreciate it because of the lack of knowlegde or exposure to it. They have made use of the technology but just don't seem to like it - too confusing, too much of a hassle and etc.
Appreciation and disliking/liking are TWO different things. They are linked, but they are different! :)

Practicality Unassured :(:P

Cheers,
Ragha :)

2009-10-11T19:38:00.002+08:00

Heys.
Wanted to blog about the moive i watched.
Aanantha Thandavam.
I cancelled all plans to actually sit home and watch that movie from start to end. So unlike me. But i didnt regret that decision of sitting down for a whole three hour movie.
Noone i personally know recommended that i watch this movie. I merely wanted to watch this movie cos of the last song - "Kana Kangiraen". The dancer, Rukumani, apparently a well known dancer; although unknown to me till yesterday, made me fall in love with her dance. This was when i watched the video in Vitz blog. That was the first time i watched that video and i got addicted to that song, of course, mainly because of the dance. I made an effort to watch that dance every time i came online. That was how beautiful the dance was. So it was just for that one song, i decided to sit in for the WHOLE movie. The last movie that i bothered to watch fully was ... cant remember! And, imagine if the movie was disgusting. I would have ended up watching two and a half hour of the movie before the song was played! Haha. It was the last song of the movie.

After the movie, when i msged my dear Sis Vitz, i found out that the moive was based on a story entitled "Pirivom Santhipon", written by the late Sujatha. I then remember one of the actors quoting one of her sayings. And so, I'm now waiting for a free time to drop by the library to get that book.

The movie revolves around four characters. Each having distinct personailty. A movie that ll youth should watch. Why? Cos for girls, the hero is cute. For guys, Thamanna is cute. Haha. No la. The main reason is cos of how the love is portrayed and how decisions that people make can affect, not only their lives but those around them. Parents influence how their child's life, whether young or old, their influence over their child's marriage. Sacrificial love. Being Naive. Perception.

I really enjoyed that movie. Something i don't normally do. This movie has values that has a close link to the lives of many people around me. A movie that i can learn from! People, do watch it. I should be blogging more about it when i have the time. Given that Deepavali is in a week's time and that i havnt started any bit of cleaing, i surely don't have the time to blog. Will catch up with blogging after Deepavali.

Till then,,

Happy Deepavali to all :)

All the best to my dear friends who are doing As and Os. :)

Cheers,

Ragha

The Individualist

2009-09-30T21:13:00.000+08:00

http://innocentdecision.blogspot.com/2009/03/here-post-dedicated-to-kanegal-cos-she.html

Cheers,
RaghaBoi
(NavaKannan) :)

2009-09-30T19:56:00.002+08:00

Bet many of you would have heard this phrase "first impression counts". I'm just wondering, how true is that?
It hit me today when someone I first thought was reliable, because of the image he portrayed when i first met him, turned out to be untrustable.
He isn't the first though. I have met many who don't seem to fit the image they first portray.

Let me play a 'gemini' role - that is to argue on both sides - that it's not the person's mistake and the other being done on purpose.

Case One: It isn't my mistake that the image i first portray isn't my true self.
Well, true. Sometimes, when u first create an impression, you cannot be blamed. Because you don't intentionally do it. It's just that when u meet this new person, u tend to be different, cos u are either shy or just uncomfortable being around with new people.

Take me for an example. When my Navaz first met me, they thought that i was an innocent dude - mainly quiet. That was their first impression. Or at least, specifically for my Kadai Kutti Thangachi Kanegal. But, further during that day, they came to realise that I'm not a quiet person afterall. Noisy would be an understatement. Was it my fault that I was quiet when i first met them? Or was it wrong on their part to think that i'm a quiet person? All the more, that was the first time i meeting them and they were a huge group of girls and me, a single guy - a thorn amongst the roses (and it still exists that way, by the way) :)

Another imaginary example could be, just the exact opposite of me. He could like a typical 'anjadi' (rowdy that is) when u first meet him. But as time goes, u realise that he is a gem of a person and that rowdy is a non-existent word in his dictionary. It's just a sad story where his taste suits one of a rowdy, thus portraying him as one, when he has not a single link with the rowdy-lifestyle.

Now let's move on to Case Two: I always want to create a good impression, although it is not exactly who i am.

It is because of the phrase 'first impression counts' that causes people to behave like this.They want to make sure that the first time they meet someone, they should be 'mr/mrs. nice' so that they people will think highly of them, respecting them. And as the days go by, they tend to show their true colours.

Take me again for example. My Navaz again. I could have been quiet because i wanted the girls to think that i'm innocent. So that they will actually even bother making friend with me. And after we become friends, i slowly show them my true colour - mr.sarcastic! :)

This is the two 'reasons/excuses' that i can put forth when i think of the phrase, 'first impression counts'. How true is it - i seriously don't know.
It just basically means 'do not judge the book by the cover'. Know someone in depth before u even come to a conclusion about that person's character! Not all of them are what they look like - I, personally, am a good example for this :)
However, there do exist some people who just seem to portray their character all so explicitly, such that one look at them and u can identify what kind of person/character they are. Haha. It's easier this way though, to find someone you want to be with forever.

PS: Kanegal reminded me. When i first knew her, i never thought she was a 'weak' girl (not exactly weakling kinda thing la). Due to her voice and her confidence, i tout she was physically and emotionally strong. Both she proved me wrong, in the past few years. Emotionally, she has shown tremendous 'improvement', if that's what u can call it. But physically. Haha. I still remember how she FAINTED in Commonwealth Muneeswarar temple, during Guru Peyarchi. She was standing there and suddenly, down she went! Haha. Funny it was, it was damaging for our dear Kanegal's image.
{Honestly, this has veri little link to my blog topic today. Just decided to add this in for entertainment purpose. :) Laughter is the best medicine u see}.

Psychologically Devoted.

In the deepest forest i stay.

Somewhere where,

I can see you

Crying.

Crying cos of the pain

that i never created.

Cheers,

RaghaBoi :)

2009-09-21T20:30:00.003+08:00

i maybe rifle trained.

i may have a silver bayonet.

i may possess a dagger.

i may be strong.

But my tongue is my mightiest weapon.

...........................................................................................

Kaadhal ennum alaigal

adithu kondiruppathaalthaan

intha prabanjam

innum eeramaga

irukkindrathuaa?

Illai,,,

Kaadhalinaal nonthu poi

vadiyum kanneeraalaa?

................................................................

If something happens once,

it should not happen again.

If it happens a second time,

i should happen

for the third time.

.......................................

Navaraathiri.

9 nights.

9 girls.

NavaZ.

2009-09-02T22:24:00.002+08:00

And i forgot.

Happy Teachers' Day. to all my teachers from XPS (Xishan Pri), SJI and NYJC (Nanyang JC).
&&& my sister and her NIE gang!

&&& Happy ONAM!!! to my dearest Dappa Chechi and all others who celebrate it!

CELEBRATE!!!

CHEERS!!!

2009-09-02T21:54:00.003+08:00

Stereotype. Sometimes they can get real irritating. What irritates me most is when these comments, based on their stereotypic view, are given because of jealousy.

Guys with good command of english are sissies/gays.
Guys who are in performing arts are sissies/ gays.

Wondering why its just this two? Well ask yourself. How many of you have actually thought such things?

And for your information. I totally don't believe in this and am pretty sure this is a mere stereotype that evolved out of jealousy!

And why are some people considered a double headed snake? Firstly, why snake? Couldnt they find another animal?! Snakes are like super cute and are powerful. Using them to describe an insulting, unliked personality is like degrading that animal. Anyway, the snake is usually seen as a symbol of the evil/satan. Until now, I dunno why!!! Haha.

Why double headed? Humans have a single head but they say two different things (two kinda personality), that's why we call them double headed snake right? Why not just call them double tongued? Or worst still, although it will be a pure insult to Gemini (THAT'S ME), call them a Gemini.

Don't ask me why Im even bothering to actually ponder about this. My main topic here is why people just can't be sincere and truthful. They have something in their heart and say something else. Im not just referring to the negative things that they say. Positive comments as well.

Example of a positive thing. They miss someone. But they hide that feeling and just ignore the person when they SMS or call, because they don't want to show that they miss him/her.

Example of a negative thing. They hate that person to the max but when they meet him/her, they run and hug. For what?! Nobody knows.

I got one explaination of why people become double headed snakes. To avoid situations/ problems. Haha. I mean, i would personally not state what i feel if i know that there will be a problem. But i will never bury it deep. Cos i will bring it up later, when the situation is calm - calm as kallang river. Although this isnt exactly healthy, its the best way if you wanna avoid problems. However, i still prefer being direct, there and then, on the spot!!! Saves alot of time and misunderstanding.

Hopefullie people are like that too... (Suthu i say)

Love is torture.

Words can't just explain.

Cheers,

RaghaBoi

2009-08-31T20:00:00.002+08:00

I was having my IPC (Instructor Preparation Course) in camp when something on the lecture slides caught my attention and my mind started drifting away. Eventually, it rested on this phrase "Everything is based on perception".

How true is that?

Of course, very true (DUH, why would i say no... 'cos that's what my mind ended up concluding). But why do I say that it's true?

Let me give you some examples.
I think Tamil language is the coolest language on earth and english is not an easy language afterall.
I think dance is not for sissies only and to understand a dance form you need a level of artistic intelligence.
I think Bharathanatyam is the hardest form of dancing yet is the basic.

How many people agree to those statements above and how many disagree? How many people have different opinions about it? How many people see those issues differently?

Without doubt, everyone will have different perception of everything. To me, an ant can be something small but powerful. To another person, the same ant could be a pest. To another person, that same ant can be the cutest creation that GOD ever came up with (which is so unlikely that anyone will ever think such).

So what am i trying to get at?

Well, given that people see things differently, when you see something/ an issue with a different perception from others, do not change it just to fit into the society. Stand up for what you feel, as long as u have reasons to justify why you perceive it such. Don't be a 'gundu' and stand up for it, not knowing why. That's stupidity!

I personally believe in working with my heart and not my mind (i think i have blogged about this last week or so). So when i perceive something that differs from the rest and when i get weird reactions from people because i say something, i sit and think. Why? Does my viewpoint make sense at all? And why does it not fit into others' viewpoint? Sometimes, after a while, it does seem totally absurd and so my viewpoint might change afterall. But sometimes,i end up thinking that my perception is not at all wrong. And i find for reasons to substantiate my viewpoint itself. Haha. Sometimes, it just becomes a mentally drafted GP essay.

And to all those who are reading my blogs. I ain't posting all these to tell you guys to follow this and that, Im just merely stating what i feel and if you feel that it's something good and interesting and my fit your lifestyle or you wanna try it out, go ahead. And if you feel that im just bullshitting (like i even care whether u think such. haha), go ahead and slam it in my tagboard. I love debates!

REGRETTED CHOICES.

innocent decisions.

forgotten IMMUNITY.

Cheers,

RaghaBoi :)

2009-08-23T23:13:00.002+08:00

Have you ever asked yourself this question...

Where do i stand in his/her life?

That's another basis of all relationships.

Cheers,
JVR :)

2009-08-21T20:33:00.002+08:00

Sincerity?

K before i touch on that, just a small update. Had my graduation ceremony at SMTI - Passed out as a qualified medic. Yet to be ranked as a specialist. And yeah, got my Silver Bayonet - an award presented to the top five people of the cohort, excluding the best trainee who will receive his Golden Bayonet. So... There goes on my life, as a NS men...

So my warrant gave a meaningful farewell speech. That was when the word 'sincerity' struck me. He started talking about using the mind VS using the heart. And somehow it linked up to sincerity.

What he was saying was that people who work with their mind are usually not as sincere as those who work with their heart. He gave an analogy of a factory producing canned food. The factory has two machines - one new and one old. The new one is super shiny and is noiseless but only produces 800 cans per day. The old one, on the other hand, is super rusty and make so much noise but produces 8000 (i know the difference is too much, but im quoting what he said. Haha. Super ridiculous right?). People who work with their mind will choose the new machine cos they can see their 32 teeth when they look at the machine. Whereas, people who work with their heart would prefer to use the old machines, cos in the end, they want the work to be done perfectly and not just for the sake of doing. Honestly, it took me awhile to understand this as well, cos his analogy wasn't exactly suitable, but well... this was what he was trying to put across, if im not wrong. Or at least, thats the way i saw it!

So how far can sincerity bring you? We all know that the world is indeed full of politics. Wherever you go, whatever you do, somehow politics play a part they. My warrant was just warning us of the reality that we may have to face once we finish Ns and step into the career world. Yesh. I totally agree, this is true. Many people do not survive in the real world, after their education cos they have never been exposed to such harsh reality.

My point of touching on sincerity was ton actually make a connection back to my last post on 'trust'. Sincerity and trust, without doubt are somehow inter-connected. People naturally begin to trust someone who is sincere. Well, thats nothing wrong. But how do u identify someone's sincerity? Are you very sure that he is being genuinely sincere or does that person have a inner motive, thus faking sincerity?

Every relationship needs this element of sincerity. Even a BGR (boy-girl relationship). The partner has to be sincere, for a long lasting relationship. C'mon, seriously speaking, you wouldn't want to have a partner who is playing behind your back (which is what's happening alot now. Haha. Sadly.) Friendhsip too. A sincere friendship can last. Not one that has people bitching behind your back, backstabbing and sticking around with you for a reason. Personally, i feel that most friendships are formed because of a reason, and not just pure friendship. If i want to go on, i need to do a research on friendship to actually be ready to argue anything about this issue.

since you are not sincere,

i see no reason to be here.

but just know that when u need me,

this time round, i maybe not be here,

i maybe far away,

but i will run when i hear your call,

that's friendship.

and that's the respect i give for a friendship.

whether it's broken or not, isn't the issue,

but once a friendship is forged,

it's never forgotten,

let alone forgiven.

Sincere Outruled,

Ragha :)

2009-08-16T19:05:00.004+08:00

At last my dear sis Vitz gave me a good news! Thanks Vitz. Am super happy for her. Love you many many ka.!

And one big thanks for calling me down for our dear Gayu 21st Birthday celebration. Really enjoyed myself. Been long since i had actually hung out with such a big group.

Oh. I did this random survey, asking people online, "Think of four people you can trust (other than your family members)". Only a small handful could think of four. Many stopped at three people. Well, at least they have three.

As for me, when i asked myself that question, i find it really hard. Not to offend anyone. Especially my NavaZ and my close sisters and brothers. But seriously, i find it super hard to trust anyone.

This reminds me of what i told my 'baby' Boi annae. We were practically arguing about some soul, whom we both dislike. And i was telling him that its not right to trust someone 100%. You can trust a person 99% but that 1% should be left, so that u can doubt him/her.

It may sound super ridiculous that im actually saying that u need to suspect someone. But that's reality. Are you very sure that you can trust this particular person? Afterall, that particular person would have doubted himself/herself before.

Ask yourself. Has there ever been a day where you doubted your decision? Has there been a day where u think that you are not being truthful to yourself? Has there been a day where you think that you are hiding something deep within your heart and you are unable to express it to that particular person because of the consequences it will cause?

Well, with so much doubts yourself, how can you be sure that u can trust some other persom 100%? That 1% of doubt allows you to actually be careful and think before you take a decision.

But you don't have to feel guilty that you do not trust that person 100%. At least you trust him/her 99%. That's a huge sum compared to the miserable 1% that u doubt him/her.

Sometimes, that 1% of doubt can keep you strong when the person whom u trusted so much actually backstabs u. That 1% of doubt will assure you that "at least i had doubted him/her". You won't feel that bad afterall. Haha. Sounds mean eh? Trust me one this. (even now, just trust me 99%)

I may sound like some dejected soul, sick and tired of living life. Haha. Honestly, i'm not. I am just a random soul who ends up thinking about random stuff and that's y i come up with such crazy ideas, which are eventually reflected in my blog. Haha.

and so the bottomline is: Trust is indeed the basis of all relationship. But never expect anything out of that trust. And just like how patience has its limits, trust too should have it's limits.
Reminds me of the Rajinikanth song: "Thamarai ilai thaneer pol nee, oddi oddaamal iru"
(translation: just like water on lotus leaf, keep all relationships on a 'suface level' - something like that la)

and this brings me to another question. If trust is the basis of all relationships, how come it becomes the source of major sorrows, when that trust is broken? Is it cos of the trust crossing its own limits?

Cheers,
RaghaBoi
JVR :)

2009-08-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

I know it has been almost a month since i blogged. And the last post mentions that the blog is under construction. But it looks perfectly the same. Reason being, i was trying to do something to my blog, using HTML coding. Apparently, it failed. With my self azquired knowledge on HTML, i shouldn't have ventured into trying to do something big. But yeah, tried and failed. So.... wait till i learn more, before u can look out for more changes to my blog. haha...

Of course, no doubt, many things happened in the one month. All the more, it was Aadi maasam - a special month for Hindu Goddesses. Aint gonna blog about what happened in the past one month.

Just to let yuall know that, I M BACK.
And so is my avatar, JVR :)

Cheers,
RaghaBoi

2009-07-19T15:49:00.002+08:00

Blog's under construction. Will take about a month or so.

Till then, takkaire.

Cheers,

RaghaBoi

2009-07-05T00:52:00.000+08:00

Never would I regret how I spent my time today.

Went to SSDC to take my BTT (Basic Theory Test). Honestly, the fact that people who I know have been failing it despite their many tries, was sort of a worry for me, that I might, just like them, not pass it too. But I guessed the study I did paid off. I passed my BTT! Yahoo!!!

My evening, spent it Substation. Watched the splendid performance by RDG (Ravindran Drama Group), more like their youth branch Puthiya Uthiram. I was looking forward for today because of this drama. I knew that I could expect something that was mind blowing, given that it was a production by RDG. Of course, I wasn’t disappointed. They had two dramas – Bommaikkul (Inside a Doll) and Moondru Suvar (3 walls). Both were just superb.

Bommaikkul was based on a little girl and how her family situation affects her and her growth. Her dad being a drunkard and her mum being someone who didn’t shower her with much love. How the word “success” – something that she comes across while reading book – affects the way she sees life and how she dreams to be successful – either as a lawyer, doctor or a businesswoman – the way small kids see themselves when they are young, their innocent vision of successful. She sees her dad beating her mum one night and she fears. She decides to run away from home. Home, a place where people seek comfort, becomes a place of hell for her. She fears that this such family situation will spoil her dreams of becoming someone successful. And her grown self boasting about how successful she is, in terms of work, academic but not in life exactly. However much successful she was, she didn’t live a perfect life. An incomplete family that is.

The little girl who played her role – words just can’t explain how impressed I am with her performance! Simply awesome. Young but talented. And the dad and mum. Realistic – maybe there’s a limit at times. He was supposed to beat her right, and hell, he did. Really slapped her and kicked her! You could hear the slap, let alone see it! People went like “OOOOOWWWW”. Haha. The girl who was supposed to be the ‘fairy’ or the grown up version of the lil gerl, she made the difference with the way she delivered her lines. Motivational and yet simple – just perfectly impactful! Dreams, success, love.

I remember something she said about why people don’t measure success with love. Why love cannot become a ruler for success??? Good question eh? Something to really ponder about!

The second drama “Moondru Suvar” concentrated on homosexuals. Interestingly, the role was played by my senior Arun Jayaram and another guy (he has appeared in Vasantahm before). Firstly, I have gotta praise Arun on his spoken tamil. From the time I know him till now, his Tamil has improved tremendously! Like really, you can see the significant difference in his Tamil. It’s about how the society doesn’t accept homosexuals – more specifically the Indian Society. I remember something mentioned – “just because people don’t accept it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist”. It is so true. We Indians do know that amongst the Indian community in Singapore there do exists homosexuals, but we just don’t seem to ignore it like it doesn’t exist at all! Like as if that will solve the problem (if is considered a problem at all).

Arun and ‘his partner’ did a spectacular job in doing that roles, as lovers. It takes courage, a lot of courage to actually act as homosexuals, in front of audiences, not forgetting that the stage is pretty small and is just an arm’s length away from the audience. Haha. Funny how the romance scene (or so it was supposed to be) didn’t receive “EWWS” and “Yucks” from the audience, but more like “OOOO” and “WHHEEEET”. Haha.

What was more surprising is that the script writer for the second drama were two JC graduates, my age (19), from RJC. Young! And what a great job they did in touching that issue. However much that I felt that the issue was dealt with in a very shallow manner, understanding that it was done by two females of my age, I felt that they deserve more praise than anything else.
one thing that bothers me though. Why is it that whenever there is an issue of homosexuals, it’s always depicted by males (gays) and not females (lesbians)? Somehow people are just more open to lesbians than gays! Why? Afterall, both are equally under the same catergory – homosexuals!!!

Influential. Mind blowing. Thought provoking. Excellence.
That’s what I would call this production. Hats off to the team, actors especially!

Looking forward to more productions.

Till then,
Cheers,
Ragha :)

2009-07-01T20:29:00.002+08:00

You ignored her existence.
You don't deserve to exist.

...Fuck u J****...

Signing off,
JVR :)

2009-06-24T19:23:00.002+08:00

The saying goes "Old is Gold". The old people tend to use it to defend themselves, their beliefs, their source of entertainment -be it songs or movies, their dressing sense, their way of living and many more. But is this statment relevant in the context of character?

Let me be more precise. Does the saying "Old is Gold" fit the situation whereby one has a different character from what he used to have - basically meaning that he had changed character (whether to the bad or to the good isn't the issue here)???

I suddenly got this doubt when i was browsing thru Friendster, looking thru the photos of a friend of mine.One of the captions mentioned "The old (His name)". And i felt that i preferred the old person to the new one. Haha. I felt that the old person was more of gem than the new one - the new one being someone i despise now.

So how far is it true to say that a change in someone's character may not after all be for the better -that is to say, that the old is the better? It's rather usual nowadays to actually have some thoughts of changing your character. You might personally feel that your character now isn't the best for you to survive with and you are willing to change. However, does the thought of how other people may react to your change of character, ever, ever at all pop in your mind?

Personally, there have been many times where i think that a change in character is necessary. Contrary to this thought, something tells me that the change is something that i want, more than a necessity - it's just another risk that i'm taking in life, not exaclty knowing where i would end up. This change can have dramatic effect in one's life. However much being a risk taker myself, i wouldn't want to take this particular risk of a change in character because, i know that the effects are not just gonna affect me, but those around me. Considering the fact that i would rather keep people around me happy than take the risk, i would rather choose to be the 'old person' than to be the 'changed NEW Ragha'.

&&&

So, i turned 19. Hadn't been exactly a good start. But i'm ready for more to come! Cheers.

2009-06-15T18:27:00.002+08:00

I was supposed to blog on Saturday. Consider it Sunday, cos it was past midnight. But was tired.
Had NavaZ dance practice in the morning and went for Dance Arena 2009 in the evening.
Three reasons why i went for Dance Arena 2009:

It was held at Chong Pang CC, kinda near to where i live.
I have been going for Dance Arena for the past two years and it has been interesting thus far.
The most important reason - Transitionz was taking part.

Transitionz ithe group that my dear sister Vitz is in. Actually, she is the leader of that group, if i'm not wrong. And many of the people in that group are actually my friends too - gotta know them thru Vitz. So decided to go down to support them.

First let me congratulate Transitionz on their superb performance. I'm not saying it was super because of any biased view or anything, but honestly, it was awesome. Transitionz was one of the groups that, i personally felt, was outstanding from the others. I was typing down the names of some of the groups that actually captured my attention, but sadly, i deleted the SMS.

Here are some of the names that i remember (pls do pardon me if there is any spelling errors):

Aarthis
Everlasting
Dgenerations
RSR
"the all girls group that wore red costume and had the concept of natural disasters"
"the all girls group that wore blue"
"the all girls group that had the concept of a love (the 'guy' was wearing a gold costume)

Some of these groups had good choreography, good speed, good concept and good co-ordination. The "all girls group that had the concept of love" had a good concept and their choreography was well done, especially the emotions. The "all girls group that wore red costume and had the concept of natural disasters" had speed and beautiful coordination.

Now coming to Transitionz. I used to attend their dance practices, the very beginning ones. The choreography was very skimpy and it seemed like that had to do more to actually make it far. But that was during the very first dance practice. On saturday when i saw the final piece put together by them, GOSH, I was sure shocked!!! Their dance was simple splendid!!! The group as a whole, had good coordination. Their steps were very well defined and i couldn't spot any mistake. Although, the girls and the guys did different steps, it didn't seem messy at all, unlike some groups. I liked their concept too - EGO. And it was portrayed very well - as in you can see it there itself and there was no need for much inference.

Honestly, i was paying more attention to the girls than the guys. Haha. Vitz was just awesome. She had the attitude in the dance and it was depicted perfectly well. Brinjal, whom i used to tease alot, was simply super. I always knew that Shalini was a great dancer and she proved it once again. The other girl (sorry i don't know her name) was great too. The girls had a very good synchronisation within themselves. The guys on the other hand made the dance impactful, especially Nash. Ameen and his 'worm' - WOAH, it was absolutely awesome. Although the guys, seemed to be over-towering the girls because of their size (except for Ameen), the girls did a great job in making the dance balanced. And i just dunno how, but the costumes did play a part in carrying the dance out to the audience. As much as the costume was simple, just a mixture of black and white, it gave a greater impact to their steps.

Overall, Transitionz captured my heart. Hats off to them! They did a mind-blowing performance - a performance that i'm pretty sure, would have captured the attention of the judges. Seriously, their dance was something unique, compared to the 'same old dance' that most of the other groups did. Their hardwork and team effort will, in no doubt, be paid off.

I wish them all the best for their Finals!!! I'm very sure that they will come up with another extremely splendid dance!!! Rock On TRANSITIONZ!!! :)

2009-06-10T18:54:00.003+08:00

Came home from nights out. Was in no intention to blog. But my dear sister Kanegal asked to me to update my blog 'cos she has become addicted to reading blogs. And so i decided to pen down some of the thoughts that have been running through my head since the last time i blogged.

Firstly, i realised that i have lost touched with Tamil. Coincidentally, i was just 'msn-ing' Nanthu this. Haha. Yeah. I miss those days that i used to have assignments which made me go online and search about tamil poetry and poets (note: i only miss the lessons, not the tutor.). Not forgetting how hard i tried to remember "thirukkural" to use them in essays, as well as follow some in my life journey. Ask me one now and i am pretty sure i can't even say any. That's how distant i am from tamil language. I used to love that language. That was one of the reasons why i actually took Tamil Langauge and Literature in JC. Even though, i initially wanted to drop it cos i was the only student. But then my passion for the language made me stay on and also prove to 'some' people that i can get my A grade for A levels without their help! Haha. I loved the literature part of the JC syllabus. Made me do alot of research about tamil language and people who got famous because of the language. Not forgettting the power of the langauge itself. It's exceptionally nice when you actually study a language, all the more when you feel that the language is yours.

I also wanna take up courses. Any course. Because i'm very sure that since the time i got enlisted to NS, my brain has stopped functioning the way they used to when i was in JC. It does function but not even a quarter of what it used to do 6 months back. I mean this is a good time indeed to actually spend the weekends wisely, doing something that is useful. Of course, all these while, i have been spending my weekends meeting up with friends and loved ones. Not that i'm saying that it isn't good. I do enjoy my time with those people who i meet, ESPECIALLY my NAVAZ. Haha. I can actually open a website for NavaZ - to talk about all the fun we have and to upload all the photos that we take. K coming back... So, during this two years of serving the nation, i guess i shouldn't let it go to a waste giving NS as a reason.

Oh. Oh. I have to talk about this. I really don't understand people who live a double life. Like why? Until now i don't see the necessity. I know alot of people who actually live such a life, or is it considered lives? They just are different to some and different to others and what's amzing is that, they can actually manage both lives. To some extent, you can praise them for such management skils but at the same time, it isn't something good exactly to be praised for. It's either you be this way or be that way, not both! And it's even harder for people who know that you lead a double life and they cannot actually say it out loud. Simply said, if i know someone who leads a double life, i cannot possibly tell it out to my other friends. The worst part being he/she and I have common friends. It would be so hard to actually make sure that I don't blurt out anything about the other side of his/her life!

Secret being a secret, but you leading a double life isn't exactly a secret. It's pure cheating and betrayal. Right? You are actually cheating those around you into believing that you are this kinda person. And on the other hand you are portraying yourself as another person to other people. This isn't a problem of split personality, like in the tamil movie Anniyan, although the concept of split personality was overdone to a large extent. Split personality, if i'm not wrong is like some disorder and the person isn't exactly sure that he is having such a disease/disorder. But leading a double life - the person is perfectly aware that he is actually living two lives and gains pleasure in doing so. Pardon me if i'm generalising too much when i say that these people gain pleasure living double lives. But that's what i have observed from the many who do that.

On the contrary, i know of some who have realised that they are leading such a disgusting life and are making an attempt to move a way from either one of the lives that they live. Trust me. It isn't easy for them. It's like having to kill a character in a story because you do not exactly know what to do with it. But that's a character in a story - that character doesn't exist. But this is you, human, real. You can't possibly kill yourself and expect to revive yourself as the other person. You cannot possibly totally change you identity into the other because people around you will notice the change or even the similarities.

All in all, the bottom line is, someday, the world (aiya, just exaggerating the fact that people around you) will come to know that you actually have been leading a double life. You cannot possbily hide away that fact. If you move away from that double life the moment you realise it, then maybe you are saved from the criticism from people. But the more you play with the lives of other using your two identities, the more you will have to regret later!

Adiyoz peeps.

Where the ends of a circle don't meet,
Ragha - the Random

2009-06-06T22:30:00.003+08:00

My dad returned from India, after six months. Kinda missed him a lot during that period. And it was after so long that i had a ride on his motorbike. Yahoo! It was like a monkey gone wild. The wind beating against my face and that sense of pride that my dad is someone respected and well-known. Haha.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

I don't know whether these are the exact words, but it's an extract from the book "The Alchemist". I dunno how far this is true. But for some reason i believe in it. And have many experiences to back it up.

At the same time, what if that something you want is not something that is gonna benefit you at all? For example, you want to end your life because you are super depressed. Is the universe gonna help you in achieving it?

In the end, afterall, it is you who would have to make the decision of what you want? It's you who decides whether you want it? How much you want it? It is of course not an easy decision at all. If you notice, the longer u take and the harder you think to decide, the bigger the turn/the greater the impact the decision has on your life.

Sometimes, things just don't seem to happen the way we want them to. Is it the doing of the universe? But why would the universe do something that's against our desire? To make us suffer?

Or is there a reason behind the each and every happening that occurs in our life? We may tend not to recognise these reasonings. But somewhere down the road, something will tell us that this particular event has some link to what you are going through now. Not many of us know that and sometimes we just tend to think "What has to happen has to happen". We leave that saying dangling in mid-air, not bothering to continue it - "What has to happen has to happen and they happen for a reason and the reason is something that supposedly brings benefits to us.". So now u see the link for all that suffering you go through at someday of your life?

I used to think "What has to happen has to happen". But i came to understand that what happens is because of a single decision we take (decision). That decision we take is because we have a reason for taking it. However, if that decision doesn't seem to bring benefit for us (failure) but just plain sorrow, that whole decision and failure 'process' (if that's the right word) is the "what has to happen" part of life.

I know it's pretty much confusing. Damn confusing. But, that's where the truth lies. I mean, sometimes things just aren't read on the surface level. You have to read in between the lines. And as much as it's not easy to do that, that's the amount of enjoyment/fulfillment you get at the end of the process of reading in between the lines. Life has it's own codes. It's up to us - how fast we want to decipher it or how much of it we want to decipher and how much of it we choose to ignore.

I just dunno why. I just have gotta say this. I know that i won't around forever. But for that period of time that i'm around, i prefer to be someone recognised as a joker, motivater, entertainer, educator and most importantly, BROTHER (interestingly, it ends with a '-er- too).

I just wanna hide in that 18th corner that i see,

scream out loud for 18 seconds,

run past 18 people,

walk 18 steps away from the sea,

count 18 seashells on the shore,

be alone for 18 minutes,

see the moon for 18 breaths,

counting 18 bright stars,

making 18 innocent decisions,

eventually forgetting all about being 18.

Where the past becomes the future,

RaghaBoi

...

2009-05-19T20:32:00.004+08:00

This is a snippet from my Unique Princess Blog:

“i miss Rugha*!
he is one guy who will always stand beside no matter what problems i encounter.
Somehow he seems to know whether i'm down or not.even without him realizing.
hahas.He won't msg me Often.
But the times he msg would usually be when i'm in deep shit.hahas
i dunno how he kn0ws.lol.Somehtimes when he ask h0w are y0u in msgs..i would feel like pouring all out to him.BUT, i just can't.
Donnu why.
chechi & uma akkah Still can.But rugha is just..hmm...ii also dunno.”

(*Rugha is the nickname Vaanthu gave me because I call her Vaanthu.)

Well, Vaanthu dearie. I have always noticed this minor gap in between us. Yes, we do enjoy ourselves a lot when we go out together as a group. But u never had shared your feelings (especially when u are sad) to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Or maybe because I was never serious whenever we talk. Or just that simply u ain’t comfortable. I can’t blame you for that la. Haha. It’s okay. Eventually I still get to know what’s happening in your life through either uma akka or dappa chechi.

"Maybe i ididn't like it. But she did. She was happy. So was i. But fuck that fella who wasn't."

"No change is permanent in life but changes are what's permanent in life."

"It's not my life, so why so many restrictions? Are you happy? YES! Cos she is." - That's what my heart said and i fully accept it.

"God gave man the brains to create what he needs but man decided to use it to create what he wants. That's when disaster begin".

Where devils have hearts,

Ragha

2009-05-16T13:34:00.003+08:00

Been almost two weeks since i blogged. I didn't want to blog last week when i booked out because i wasn't in the right mood! Agitated, pissed, frustrated..

And so I'm done with my 8 weeks of BSLC (Basic Section Leader Course) at SISPEC, at Pasir Laba Camp, which is somewhere near Tuas/Boon Lay and is like far from my house. Now have been posted to Nee Soon camp, to be trained as a Medic Specialist. Now the camp is like super near to my house. Haha.

I bought this book last week - "The Alchemist". I'm not the type of person who goes to bookshops and buy books. I rarely visit the library and so it's quite unnatural for a non-avid-reader to actually step into a bookstore in search of a book. That book cost me $17. For people who know me, i usually am very thrifty in spending money and $17 according to me is ALOT. So why the hell did i spend money on that book?

I was first introduced to that book when i was in Sec 4. If i'm not wrong my RME (Religious and Moral Education) teacher was talking about that book. I was interested in that book at that time itself but wasn't exactly bothered to go borrow it or buy it. Somehow, recently, i got reminded of that book and was searching for it in the libraries. I couldn't find it. Went to Popular once and saw it there. But didn't have money at that point of time. So didn't buy it then. Two weeks after the first time i saw that book in Popular, if i'm not wrong in Toa Payoh Popular, i went back to the same place only to find out that there was no more copies of that book. Last week, went to Yishun, determined to buy that book. Went to Yishun Popular, saw that book, took it from the shelf, paid for it and started reading it!

Finished reading it in a day itself. It isn't a thick book. A rather thin one, which many would say isn't worth it for $17. But the content of the book did not make me regret the price i paid for it. It's an awesome book. Trust me.
It's about this shepherd who goes in search of his dream and all the valuable lessons he learns in his journey towards finding his dreams. Somehow many of the things mentioned in the book relate very closely to my life. If i'm not wrong, it would relate to many people's life.

Trust me people. It's a splendid book. I encourage everyone to read that book. The english used isn't that demanding. Simple english, reader friendly and very interesting. You don't wanna waste your time finding for it in the library or waste money buying it, just text me and i'm more than willing to lend it to you!!! Oh oh, it's written by Paulo Coelho, just in case you would wanna know.

When passions die,
Ragha

2009-05-02T23:33:00.003+08:00

Alot of things have been happening around me lately. Whether im not involved, they are just affecting me. Not exactly affecting me, but making me think. And like i alwais say, making Ragha think, is DISASTER!

So yeah. Went to the long awaited Nageswari poojai yesterday. It has been months since i went for it. Actually, one month only. Haha. The poojai was good. But what happened there was not something that i expected. It just put alot of questions in my head to think.

the main question being "Why do we have to meet the people we meet in life?"
Is it my choice that i made friends with those people or is it that GOD made the effort to cause us to be friends?
The people who i have met and have been making me wonder are all those that i met in temple. It makes more sense now for me to think that GOD has a part to play in it. GOD's just bored up there. It's not like she's got UNO cards or Monopoly to play to keep her occupied. All she's got are her creations, her children for her to play with. And so she moves us around in her own created "human chess". So that's why i end up meeting this people.
But then and again, the choice to maintain a friendship with them is my choice. I can't blame GOD. I can only blame myself if i find that the friendship is a bitter one.

A good example that the choice of maintaining a relationship with the people i meet is in my hands would be NavaZ. GOD made us meet. We decided to become close. We created NavaZ. And now we love each other madly. So when i made this choice, i didnt know how far this friendship would go. Now i know it has gone far, into a sibling-ship.
But as for the others... Those bitter relationship. I didnt know how far it will go... And now looking back, i don't think i wanna continue. Haha.

When people grow, they change. Physically and mentally. It's fun to watch someone grow, especially through their teenage years. Super fun. It's during this period of time where you can see them squirming through the hardship or just breezing past through it. And from this, you can roughly make out what kinda future they may lead or tend to lead. But then and again, it might change based on the experience that they went through.

Oh... Anchorberg isn't exactly nice! YUCK. the latter is better though. Haha.

Happie Birthday my Shangs darling and Han Jia Jun, my proud Best friend n to his twin sister too.

If fuck wasn't a bad word, i would be using it like pen ink for an economics A level paper (it's supposed to mean that i would be using it many many times, for those who dun get it).

i'm sick and tired of the 18. im waiting.

The angel screams in pain.

She's injured.

The devil comes to her rescue.

Can she fall in love?

She does.

Devil moves away.

She's dying.

Would it have been better?

to die injured on the outer?

or to die with a bleeding heart and soul?

She regrets.

Angels don't regret.

She ain't an angel nomore.

She's the devil.

Seeking sweet revenge.

Trust begins where death ends,
Ragha

2009-05-01T00:36:00.002+08:00

Met up with a few of my NavaZ darling last sunday before booking in. Was super fun. Super long since we had fun together. Met at RP. Spent quite a few hours there, talking and sharing and eating and 'drinking'. Haha. Wanna see some photos taken, visit "Divine Devil" frenster account (there's a link in my blog by the way).

That sunday outing made me think alot. Cos we had a lot to share, more like the girls had alot to share and i was merely sitting there listening. It was during then that i realised that although NavaZ has never acheived much as a a group, it is during these kinda times that the NavaZ spirit is really brought out and up to its greatest level. Indeed, i'm proud to boast of the existence of Navaz. Sadly, had to cut the outing short, cos i was in a rush back to camp. So coming back to the many things that i thought about after that day's outing.

There are two types of sorrows. One type being those that you have to share and not keep within yourself, which will help you lessen the burden you have in your heart. The other type being those that you cannot share, simply because sharing it just adds on more burden within yourself and keeping silent about it is just the best remedy. My Navaz has people of both kinds. Interesting eh.

I also found out that people who wear contacts lens tend to give it as a reason when they cry, saying that the contact lens are making their eyes a bit uncomfy, that's the reason for their tears. Like hello, i do wear contacts too and i can differentiate between a contacts problem and a heart problem.

I also realised that not everyone is living the best life. They all have problems and some are willing to share it out because they want to let the others know what's going on in their life. Some do not want to share what's going in their life because they are embarassed to do so. Some just don't want people to know about it because they feel that they are passing their burden to others.

Love is all over the air. Whenever you love someone, you tend to wish the best for them. You even go to the extend to sacrifice somethings just for them. But at the same time, like i always say, nothing is permanent in life. So someday, somehow, that person will leave you or you leave the person. Whichever it maybe, knowing that death is the only power that is able to take away your loved ones without your permission, is the best way to lead your life. Just because that person is gone doesn't mean you go along with that person. It just means that you have now a bigger role to play - you play your role and the role your loved one played. I know its pretty much confusing because it's so random!

I just wanna tell this to a particular someone, provided she reads my blog la.
When death gets you two apart, remember that she's gone for good. Be it now or later, someday she will be gone. You can't expect her to stay with you forever, that's unfair to her. Deep down i wish that she wouldnt be gone too. But, one thing for sure, whichever day she is gone, she knows that she is leaving her responsibilties to a responsible girl. When she is gone, you have many responsibilties to take over - you know it. Be prepared, whether now or later, someday she has to go and you will have to face it! It's not whether she was a good person or how much she helped people. Her death would have been written long before she was born and it has to happen the way its written. Prayers do help, but death cannot be changed. everyone has to go one day or another. GOD is always with her. Someday she'll be GOD herself. Trust me, it's not nearing. Her time will come, not now but far later...

:::::::

Personally, i feel that i have settled the dangling issues with my ex girlfriend. Well, it's almost two years plus since we broke and till saturday, i felt that there were issues that were left dangling - bascially we hadn't put a fullstop to that long relationship we had. That's what i personally felt. I dunno about her la. But after that week's msging and some small reflection and some msging back, i think we have finally, more like i have finally put a firm fullstop to that relationship. I know for sure that this fullstop will strengthen the friendship bond that we currently have.

:::::::::::

It's late. Gotta go sleep. Am tired, super duper tired after the week's long outfield training. Nites.

18 words that cannot be said.

I wanna scream out loud.

Right into your ears.

You aren't deaf.

Stop acting like you are.

It hurts to see you hurt,

but that's the only way

i can remain un-hurt.

Where smiles cry,
Risk Ranger RaghaBoi

2009-04-11T23:35:00.006+08:00

When was my last post? Almost three weeks back - a day before I entered SISPEC. Pretty long since i blogged eh. Not that i didnt have anything to blog for the past weeks. just simple lazy. Trust me. Lazy enough to just visit my blog and not think of updating it. Haha. Didnt want my blog to stay stagnant too long, or it will start breeding mossies-readers who will start bugging me to update. Haha.

Alot of thinking has been going thru my head for the past weeks. Yesh. Pretty new environment in SISPEC. New life, new friends, new commanders, new set of rules, new everything! Interestingly, or maybe because i have no choice, i have adapted to it pretty fast.

I found out something too. I have a new skill. A skill to stop random thoughts from invading my mind. I know that once i start thinking, i will never stop and totally ignore what's happening around me, practically day dreaming. Note that i am not away from reality, just away from my surroundings! So, recently, i begin this habit, which i consider as a skill, to stop myself from thinking. Like when there's this issue that caused a spark in my mind, after a few seconds, i will stop it from continuing. What an achievement!!!

Let's start which major happenings that occurred over the three weeks.

My sister's (my twin soul) 21st birthday! Yes. At last she's 21. the day i have been waiting for, don't ask me why. Didnt celebrate though. But am thankful to GOD that i could at least spend the evening with her, going temple and to see the Panguni radham at Nee Soon East CC. Well, she was shocked with the present i gave her. She was happy. So i was happy too. Haha...

Following that was Panguni. One of the most waited event of the year. I had the day off, so went down to temple with mum and sis. Then came home and went back again, this time to sight see. Met alot of people. For some reason, Panguni afternoon and evening periods become more like a get together session where u tend to meet all ur long lost fren. Met practically all my NavaZ. So nice to see em all. And yeah, Vaanthu's dog, Suria. SOOOO cute la! He was like the centre of attraction on that day la. Saw her mum and dad. And Dappa and Bu. And Kane. And Jaga. And the whole of Puva family. Haha... Oh... N i found out that this friend of mine, Gayathri Devi, who sings DAMN well (trust me, u'll melt when u hear her voice), is actually my cousin. Haha. Somehow we are cousins and we got to know it when both our mothers were talking. Haha.

There was this family visit to SISPEC the second saturday after i got into SISPEC. Well, mum and sis came. It was super boring. Cos i had to show them around, like as if they never see a camp before. Haha. But it was also good that they came, for one reason. Haha. GOD BLESS.

Met up with Loshy today. Gosh. I miss my NY life. Ask me which is the best time of my life and i can say it proudly "my JC life". Yes. Not even army. I know i havnt finished it yet, so i cant be comparing much. But then, given the journey that i have travelled in the army, phase 2 i call it, i feel that JC life has had more to offer me, in terms of learning points, lifeskills, experiences, memories and what not. 0705, ICS, TLC... So many memories just left behind at NY and no time to revisit them at all. *Sobz*

Oh talking about memories. I was telling Nanthu that i dun get upset with my memories, the sad ones i mean, but i end laughing when i think about those upsetting memories. I also dunno why. Yes, i agree i am weird. But it's just the way my brain works. Normal people tend to tear or go into a mode of depression (mild, at least) when they think about all the sad memories. For me, i tend to laugh about it. I know that all these experiences that i go through have a reason, just that i don't know it for now. Time will have it's say, sometime sooner or later.

"Poison kills us once. But memories kills us everytime it comes to our mind."
I didnt say this. Someone i know said it. Haha. I doubt whether she'll recognise it when she reads this. Haha.

Well, interestingly, people tend to think about the sad memories when we mention the word memories. WHY? I mean people sure do have happy memories. But they come in handy only when the person is like super duper happy. But the moment the person is upset, a little upset that is, all the sad memories flow into the mind like a dam-less river. Interesting eh how the mind works. All you need is to mention a person's name or pass by a certain place or see a certain incident and you will get all the memories, whether sad or happy, flowing in and after a while, without you realising, you become emotional. Haha. Funny sia.

Talking about certain places. I wanted to go to CCK, some blk there, where i met this particular someone and reflect about alot of things that i have been wanting to think about for the past few weeks. But decided against it and to meet up with alot of people instead - a better way to use my weekend.

RP holds alot of memories too. Thats where i was today. With Vitz and her dance crew. Yeah. A levels preparation - half my days were spent there, from morning to evening with my study buddy Vitz. Never will i forget those days (although i have forgotten all that is studied). I remember we were super stressed ones that we went 'jogging/hiking' at the park at RP. Mad people we were.

Wah, these past 18 years of course have more than 18000 memories. Haha. Life just seems to breeze through. Now i know what people meant when they said "time and tide waits for no man". Very true!

Personally, I feel that love is a dangerous game to play. It can lead to destruction. Not all la. I mean there are successful love stories but many are failure. Until now i also dunno why these failed love exists... But they do. You just can't help it!

U might ask me why i'm crapping on love again. Well,,, the past three weeks a lot of incidents involved love and so they make me ponder about it. I never believed in love. Maybe 'never' is a strong word. I don't believe in love since very recently. And so all those things happening around me involving love failure aren't exactly helping me in changing my perception about love! How sad! Haha. (Ragha will forever remain the sarcastic idiot he was born as).

Making decisions in life is one of the hardest thing to do. When i was much younger, most decisions were made by my mum or dad. Now then i'm very much older and am expected to be independent, which i proudly can say i am, i need to make my very own decisions. And making this decisions involve a very long process. Alot of thinking is needed to be done. All the decisions i have made so far are innocent decisions. How long can i go on like this for? Forever? No chance. I have to make decisions that i'm capable of living up to and uphold it till the situation forbids! (Gosh, i sound so chimp!)

Be the big bad wolf that your mind tells u to be.

But never surrender to it.

Be the sweet little angel your heart tells you to be.

But never hold on to it.

A coin has two sides.

It ain't the sides that define its value

nor recognises it.

It's the size, how big or small.

It isn't how many you give

but how much you give.

It isn't how many you loved

but how much you love.

It isn't all about you.

Remember there's always somebody who needs you,

more than you need yourself.

18 stars shimmer in the darkest night.

they know not they future.

nor their past.

they live each night as it is.

they don't mind being 18 miles apart.

but they know they make 18 heart smile. :)

Where love hates,
Ragha

2009-03-22T21:07:00.002+08:00

I decided to blog before i head of to SISPEC. Yes, in case you don't know yet, i got posted to SISPEC after my BMT. Basically SISPEC is the sergeant course, for those who never heard of that term before. Need to travel all the way to boon lay! Pretty far eh? No choice la.

I don't think this blog will be updated anytime until maybe after my sister's birthday or something. Oh, a gentle reminder people. My sister's birthday is on 7th April. Just follow the countdown at the left side to know how many more days to her birthday.

Honestly, i'm not prepared for camp. It's got nothing to do with camp per say, but just that i'm leaving many things unattended before i go in. Many things... Just can't seem to solve them on time... Not gonna blog about them here and bore people to death. Haha.

Oh. I was reading a philosophy book titled "Why is there something rather than nothing?". I dunno who it was written by because his name is rather long and confusing unlike those normal names like James or John. Haha. I didn't read the whole book because i felt that his writing was rather repetitive. But there was this specific article from this book that actually captured my attention. Something to do with fate. Of course, something that i like.

It actually linked whatever that happens to mankind to the work of GOD. It also said that we cannot 'order' GOD to do this and that for us - order in this sense is to wish for something - because he has already written what is in store for us way before we even started to breathe. So, when our wishes don't seem to come true, it just means that GOD is doing justice to you by following what he has planned and not being influenced by you and your wishes, which does not have any guarantee.

I have been thinking about this lately. It may sound random to many but it maybe useful to some people; people like me too.

"In life we end up chasing our dream. We chase them in hope that we achieve that one day. However, sometimes, we just end up crashing. It puts a fullstop to that dream, temporarily. It doesn't mean that you can't move on to achieve that goal. As much as moving on is hard, it becomes a neccessity. Sometimes, being selfish is also not wrong when things don't work the way you want to, if and only if you have tried with intergrity and justice. See where life leads you when you fall back but don't let it kill you. Follow the path u see right ahead if your heart tells you so. You're sure about what you are doing, go ahead. But never regret. Always have something to fall back on because you don't wanna be stranded on an island with nowhere to go and noone to turn to. If people aren't there, it doesn't mean they don't care. It could mean that they need you there too. If depression knocks on your door, allow it in. Have a cup of coffee with it and then tell it to F-off because happiness is waiting to enter. You cannot totally avoid depression because it's waiting at your doorstep. And trust me, it's far stronger than happiness when you aren't ready for the challenges that you may face in the future."

till i blog again...

Where death begins,
Ragha :)

18 miles away, i see her smile.

she's the one i need.

she's the one i see.

the moon in the darkest night.

the river in the dryest land.

yes, it's her that need.

now and eva.

2009-03-18T18:45:00.005+08:00

Kanegal Requested that I repost this:

Here, my RE-dedication for u moi!!! :) Smiley!

Here' a post dedicated to Kanegal

(cos she requested for it)

Kanegal. 17. Short. Noisy. Talks alot - alot of rubbish. O levels.

That's practically what one needs to know about her. Basically, a nice and simple gal (cos she's my sister, DUH!!!).

This is Kanegal.

Met her first at east coast park like exactly three years back for SSVP Family day. She and the buncha girls who had actually planned to 'bully' me. And now, we have become brother and sister. Kanegal is the youngest member of Navaz (Navaz in currently inactive). She isn't the youngest sister i have though, considering Devaki. However, she used to be our "Kadai Kutti" (Babygal). Now... I dunno, cos she just turned 17 - the age of a buffalo... Nonetheless, i think she will retain that title. Haha...

I remember telling her very recently how proud i was of her. Because of her N level results. I was impressed with her performance. If i'm not wrong she was one of the top scorers in her school (Swiss Cottage) and was also featured in the Tamil Murasu for her outstanding performance. I wasn't expecting her to do so well. Just wanted her to proceed with her Os. But she proved me wrong and did extremely well. Of course, who wouldn't be proud of her!

Oh. Did i tell? She has a very good sense of fashion, especially in terms of 'belts'. She knows where to get the cheapest belt, that will last long and comes in all kinda colour and can be easily used for any type of pants of jeans, for any occasion!!!

This is her when we found out her great sense of fashion for belts at Vivo.

She is also a very strong girl. She always stands tall and steady. Of course, I won't mention how she fainted during Guru Peyarchi last year. All of us were busy trying to find a shelter for ourselves from the rain and pray when there was this 'thud' followed by numerous 'gasps'. I tip-toed to see what happened. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Kanegal fainted!!! Haha... Sobz... That gundu sister of mine apparently didn't eat breakfast. Well, that small incident showed me how much her mum cared for her. Personally, as much as it was a comedy, i was worried for her too. And so was everyone else who knew her. She was banned from serving food that noon, in fear that she might faint again and was forced to eat first before doing anything. Funny girl.

This is Kanegal, probably before going temple.

Yes she is a pious girl. She loves GOD. Just like the rest of the Navaz. You should be able to see her in any major festival like Thaipusam, Panguni, of course THEEMITHI!!!

She loves bharathanatyam. And i love watching her dance it. Especially during Navarathiri. I always make that extra effort to be there during her first performance, at South Bridge Mariamman temple. Last year, she did her solo performance. Was superb!!! I remember blogging about it.

This is Kanegal eating and being her natural self. Silly Kane.

So that's Kanegal for you. Oh... She's single (ready to mingle). Hot and pretty. So... Haha...

Whatever it is, I love my Kadai Kutti Kanegal.

And of course, my NAVAZ... :)

2009-03-17T22:25:00.002+08:00

Trust me. I'm having ALOT of things running in my mind. Especially after what i have seen and read online.

Let me start with my dearest sister Vitz. I am a big fan of her blog and it was super irritating to see her blog not updated for like weeks. The last post was 5th March until her recent post that was today. Well, you wanna know what she wrote, go read her blog la. But what i read in her blog made me feel so proud of her. I even told her that right after reading it and she was like "Why da?". And i said "Dunno."

Honestly, Vitz is a person who sure knows how to live life, as far as i know her. Her A level results weren't as expected, especially her Econs. Yes, she was super depressed after her results. I still remember her msg "Very. Heartbroken.". I remember staring at the msg - and trust me, nothing was going through my mind at that point of time. I have never seen Vitz heartbroken before. Of course i have seen her go mad when she is studying. (Haha... And all the fun we had in RP flows in now!!!) But not so upset until like depression. Vitz never fails to make people around her smile, seriously. Every single study session i had with her was sure filled with laughter, every minute. That's the type of girl she is. Always laughing and talking rubbish. But to hear being upset (i didn't see her being upset), i just felt so helpless... I remember typing many SMSes to her but i didn't send any of them to her. Cos i knew that they weren't of any help.

After reading her blog... And seeing the decision that she has made after the major setback... I know that my Vitz is back - back to action to rock the world!!! Her confidence, her attitude, her style, the way she lives her life - bascially just her -that's what i love about her. Just her simply being herself. Love you sister! Always there for you! Cheers!

and and and... Sometimes, there are something that you wanna blog but just can't seem to blog... Something that was so deep in your heart, now at your fingertips but you just cannot type them out... Afraid??? It's importance??? Or it's nothingness???

'it's tokyo drift'.

I JUST WANNA SHOUT OUT LOUD!!!

2009-03-15T23:45:00.003+08:00

Just this issue about death. Something that I have been thinking about lately. Why? 'Cos of this book i'm reading. Let me start of a little on this book.

It's entitled "Pet Sematary". It's supposed to be "Pet Cemetery". Well, the title is such because it's about this place with such a name given to it by kids. Apparently, the kids had spelt it wrongly and so the book was given that name. Well, it's supposed to be a thriller. Rather nice as far as i have read it. Quite interesting and of course, thrilling. I won't spoil the story by telling about it here.

Somehow the story revolves around the issue of death (not surprising at all because the title speaks for itself). Interestingly, this issue, more than the thrill or storyline, has made me want to read more of the book. Questions like 'when should death be discussed with kids?", "how hard is it to cope with the death of a loved one?' and so on... It does make me think and the book also provides another perspective of answers to those questions.

Death is in no doubt a sensitive issue. However, like the book mentions, 'death is natural', just as birth is. I mean, people see birth as something normal but why not death? Isn't it a natural process? Flowers bloom, they wither and die. Even animals. Talk about a cockroach. It's born, crawls up some wall in your house, gets attacked by Shieldtox (or Baygon, whichever you use), falls to the floor, struggles and dies. The death of a pest seems normal to people but why not the death of a fellow human being? Okay, maybe not so much of a fellow human being but of their loved ones.

It is true that it is hard to leave something u love so deeply. It's just funny how some people take it so hard on themselves when someone close to heart dies. They mourn so much and blame GOD, curse GOD and attack him with million questions. But deep down they do know that none of this, NOTHING, is going to bring back the dead.

In the book there will be this conversation between a 6 year old girl and her father about the death of their neighbour. She asks her dad "Why must she die?" And the dad remains silent. She continues, " Jesus bought Lazarus back to life. He said "Lazarus come forth' and Lazarus came back to life. Why can't he do the same to her?". (I have never read the whole Bible before so i ain't pretty sure of such incident occuring). Imagine someone posts you such a question?

Questions like, "Why her?", or "Why now?", or "Why does he have to die like that?" or even "Why must people die?". Honestly, I used to ponder upon such questions, especially the last one - "Why must people die". Hmmm. A tricky question of course. Until now i haven't found the answer but i know someday i will. I know that there is sure an answer to that very question that everyone would have asked themselves sometime in their lives. I'm also very sure that the answer will be a simplistic one, something too simple to digest that it is actually the answer to such a complexed question.

And so, about Lazarus coming back to life. It brings about another question. Is there something as rebirth, reincarnation? I asked this question out of the blue to someone (she was taken aback. DUH!!!) and she replied with a confident "yes". I didn't bother asking more as I was deep in thoughts myself. Soul and flesh (body) - two totally different things, merged into one or two completely related things, divided? People say that the flesh can be destroyed not the soul. And so comes the question, "Where does the soul go?"...

This is something that I wouldn't wanna dwell into at such a young age or at this point in time of my life. Seriously, i'm sure i'll go berserk if i go any deeper into finding the answers for this question. But of course, i wouldn't just bury them and not go back... I will find the time, sometime in 50 years or so to reply to this question - not through my blog la, through my heart!

-Someday u'll be all alone, even without a shadow, not realising that you've got noone around you because you're no more here and i'm not there yet-

2009-03-14T22:52:00.002+08:00

Well...
A's results gone. POP done and over with.
Two things that matter most now :
1) Choice of University and course
2) Where the hell I'm going to get posted to after BMT

Well, indeed they are choices that will affect my life. Depending on where I'm going to be posted may affect my career, since I'm considering signing on with the army as a regular. So... Hoping for the best.

As for university... Went to NUS and NTU open houses today. Was of great help, in terms of what each course deals with and what I can expect to learn in the 3 or 4 years in that programme. Also the pre-requisites for the courses. Well, my mathematics, although not good, is of help as most of the sciences need mathematics as a subject for admission criteria. Have gotta sit and decide what course I want...

Oh... I met my NYJC friend in NTU today. We were quite close in college but today he was rather distant from me. I didn't say anything because he was with his girlfriend and I presumed that that was the reason. However, he SMSed me in the evening, apologising for not talking much. The SMSes sent is as follows:

Friend (F): Hey Ragha. Sorry didn't chat with you much today. Didn't feel comfortable la. Cos new environment and I wasn't very comfortable to be around with you cos u looked so "anjadi" today.

("Anjadi" by the way is a lingo used to address a gangster/rowdy)

Ragha (R): Nah. Its okay. Haha. Really meh? I looked so anjadi meh?

F: Yah. Maybe becos of the shirt. Or maybe the bag.

R: Dude, I have worn the shirt before once when we went out. And that bag is a sling bag, have to carry it like that mah.

F: I dunno la. U looked very anjadi and I didn't feel comfortable being seen with you around in a new environment.

R: It's okay dude. Nvm. Haha. We can always meet up some other day. And dun worrie, I wun be anjadi. Haha.

... And so ends their SMS conversation...

I was shocked with as SMS but I burst out laughing upon reading it. Haha. Seriously. I was in my worst state, not even dressed at my best. Not even intending to look like a anjadi. And there goes my friend telling me that i looked very anjadi. Haha. Maybe he still sees me as the college boy he had been seeing in NYJC.

But well, that's how I look. I'm comfortable with that. So I ain't pretty bothered about how people feel about me.
.................................................................................................................................................................

It was after very long that i met my godsister Shangs (Baby Devil) on Thursday. We met at the newly revamped Northpoint and ate subway. That was the first time I was eating at ANY subway outlet. Haha. My first experience at Subway with my loved one. How nice! The food there is delicious! The cookies too. And I had my second Subway experience today with my 'Gladys Gang' - buncha nonsensical girls in College. I sure did enjoy my lunch - I don't know whether it was because my friends were there or the food was really good! Haha. Subway food isn't that bad afterall.

Well, gotta go off do something more important...
Catch up with some more posts some time later.

Oh... I miss my NavaZ gang!!!

2009-03-07T23:30:00.000+08:00

I know it has been long since I blogged. Almost two weeks I guess. And of course, a lot of things have occurred in these two weeks. I don’t remember all though.

Let me start with the best part of all. I met my best friend - Han Jia Jun. I was super shocked to have met him. What are the odds that you would meet your best friend in camp, at the hand grenade range, amongst all other recruits? I was actually sleeping when he came and tapped me asking me a question. I actually didn’t recognize him. Until a while later, when I heard his voice and turned around. Woah. Trust me, I was super shocked. And of course, HAPPY. Happy like to the max. If I’m not wrong, I was super irritated that week. And seeing my best friend made my day, week, and made BMT memorable too. That happiness I felt that day was simply unexplainable. Trust me. Imagine meeting your best friend after two years. The last I saw JJ was in 2007, Teachers’ day at SJI. We went for lunch at Mos Burger, the Toa Payoh outlet. That was the last meet. He was still the same, maybe just that he lost some weight. I was so proud to introduce him to my bunkmates, telling them that “this is Jia Jun – my best friend”. Haha.

I met him again sometime this week at the Graduation Parade rehearsal. I was having my march past and he was waiting there for his turn. I smiled, so happy to see him. I am not supposed to be smiling when marching though. But the best part was the approving nod he gave, with a simple but tight smile. That action of his spoke a thousand words. That nod simply said “I know what you are going through. I’m there for you. We’re in this together.” At that moment, my fatigue just flew, knowing that after all, my best friend is going through the same thing.

In that same week when I saw Jia Jun, I saw Jerome. My best buddy from NYJC. I was marching back to camp after booking in when I heard someone call “Ragha”. I turned, saw him and waved back. Something I shouldn’t be doing when I’m marching. Haha. He looked different with the black ‘soldier’ spectacles. He looked thinner but more well- built. I was sure happy to see him. I mean, again, what are the odds that you would see your best buddy in camp, especially when your company lines are like 3km apart.

Interestingly, I met him again. I was attached to his company for my 16km route march. I know that I was going with his company, but didn’t think that I would be able to meet him because I didn’t know which platoon he was in and also, it was at night, as in really mid-night. But he found me at the first resting point. It sure did boost my morale to do the 16km, especially since I super tired after my GP rehearsal and was not in the mood to do that dumb march.

Meeting this two people sure did make my week a lot better. It was then I realized how much I missed them and how much I haven’t been catching up with them and a lot of my friends. I did meet Jerome during A levels results day. But I guess I will meet up with him again during my block leave. Have got a lot of catching up to do. Miss ya guys!

And as for my A level results. I just don’t know whether to be happy or sad. Simply confused with my results. It’s not the results I expected. But I passed overall, something I was worried about, because of my math. Most of them would know how ‘good’ my math was since secondary school days. In JC, I never crossed the U line. Every single major exam, I knew that I would be getting a U grade for math. Haha. I was super stressed when sitting in the hall because of my Tamil grade. Since I was the only student who took Tamil literature, when the principal was going through the breakdown analysis for the subjects, I would know my grade, whether it was an A or just a pass. So when the table showed ‘100% distinction’, I heaved a silent sigh of relief, knowing that I have secured my A. I remember my classmates cheering behind me. One burden down.

Next the analysis showed that there was no hundred percent passes for Math. DAMN! That sure killed my spirit I was ready to see an ‘ungraded’ on my results script. There was 100% passes for biology, which was relieving. GP – only 7% As. I hoped I had been in the 7%.

My tension died down pretty much soon after we left the hall and when people collecting their scripts. I took the paper from my tutor, who didn’t say anything much, so I figured out that my grades weren’t that bad. The first thing I did was to look at my math grade. There was no U. PHEW!!! But somehow, I wasn’t happy with the grades I got for my other subjects, like chemistry and biology. I was hoping for just one grade higher.

Well, there’s nothing that I can do now. One thing good is that I can make it t the university. The course is the issue now. Haven’t decided where I want to go and what I want to do. Never really thought about it because I was ready to retake my A levels because I was sure that I would flunk my math. Haha. Now that I didn’t, I have to make a decision regarding my university. Seriously, I feel so free now after getting my results.

The next big thing is my POP (Passing Out Parade). Next Wednesday. Not that far away. But I’m sure not looking forward to the 24km. Although I know it would be easier than the other marches because we have lesser items to carry, I don’t want to do it at night because I want to SLEEP. Haha. What a lazy ass!

And my last post about ‘love being bullshit’ received super a lot of comments. There were like soooo many SMS-es against my view. Haha. That post was super slammed la. Well, there goes the play of perspective again.

2009-02-21T23:52:00.002+08:00

For some reason, i think love is just pure bullshit! Haha. Don't ask me why. Maybe b'coz every person who seems to fall in love becomes depressed or upset in the end while all those who remain single, seem to be happy. Haha... Or is it just the way i see it?

Honestly, tell me. Doesn't love create pain? I mean, i have gone through a relationship. I'm not denying that my relationship wasn't exactly a smooth one. It did of course have its ups and downs. Sometimes things just get too out of hand and occupy your mind for like a long period of time, affecting your emotions and thoughts. I dunno... I just think love is pure bullshit. I can't seem to 'love' anyone around me anymore. Like the feeling of love is now a sin or something that's pretty hard to do. Well, that's the effect of having certain people around you who teach you the 'true' meaning of love!

I have been writing alot of poems while sitting in my bunk. Alot... Three in tamil and 2 in English. But i'm still thinking whether i should upload them up here. Haha... Seriously, now that most of the high key events are over in NS, there's alot of free time and i just don't know what to do. And what happens when Ragha is given time and nothing to do, he thinks. Amazingly, the recent thoughts seem to surface out as poems, in tamil and english. Haha.

Oh. I was reading this booked called "My story" - a trilogy. It's written by Dave Pelzer. It's about his life story, if i'm not wrong. For some strange reason, I'm simply addicted to that book. It's not mine actually. It belongs to one of the fiercest commander in my company. That booked had touched my heart so much that i took the extra effort to approach that particular commander to ask whether i could borrow that book. He agreed and i have been reading it since the time i booked out, even during the bus ride, which i usually sleep in. Very rarely do i get addicted to books and this particular one - i really wouldn't mind spending money buying it.

I have been thinking about this love of mine for the past few days. NOT my girlfriend. Just someone very close to my heart. I don't know why. I call her like almost everyday but for some reason, just think alot about her. Every minute i see her right in front of me. It's something i never experienced before, especially with this particular person. And it is extremely wierd that i'm going through such a feeling now, when BMT is almost coming to an end. It would have seemed normal if such a feeling had existed during the start of BMT. But to feel such now, when it's ending just seems so wrong and funny...

Well, then again, love is bullshit... So, i shouldn't be bothering so much about it right?! RIGHT?!?!? :)

2009-02-17T11:12:00.000+08:00

I was thinking of this particular situation. Imagine two ladders. Side by side. You are climbing one. Your friend on another. You both are working colleagues. You both start the journey together. He isn’t as good as you and he is very much dependent on you. He seeks help from you almost all the time and you being “Mr.Nice” help him in all the ways you can. Little did you realize that after each help, he is moving up the ladder, faster than you are.

After a few years, you look up and realize that he is 10 steps above you. And you are just a few steps above the original step where you started from. You know deep in your heart that it is because of your helps that he is actually up there. He knows it too.

Nonetheless, he still takes the effort to come down, occasionally to where you stand. For what? To seek for more help. And you being the always nice one, still continue to help. You know that each help brings him further away from you and that it does not reap a single benefit to you. You have to work triple hard to actually reach the step your friend is at. But each time you help your friend, he moves two steps higher.

Eventually, after many many years, you look up to see your friend as a tiny dot, far above from you. You continue looking up to see whether he comes down at all or even turns back to wave or at least smile. You wait but nothing happens.

After sometime, you realize that the step you have been standing on has started to give way. It’s either you move up fast or you let go of the ladder and go in search of another ladder. What would you do?

It’s not recognition for the help that you did that you want from him. It’s not an award either. It’s not the word “thanks”, although it can be simply said, whether or not sincere. It’s just acknowledging your presence that you need. To you the help may seem huge. To him it could just be minor…

So, how far can you render your help to people? Is helping a boon or a bane?

---

I realized that someday in everybody’s life, there will be a major turn that they will have to take. It’s like they have no choice because they can’t go back and the road ahead is blocked. That major turn can come anytime and it will of course decided the rest of you life. For some it can come as early as 20, for other it could be 35, for others it could be at 47. But whichever age it comes at, that turn is the turn that GOD has decided for you.

All these while when you make decisions, you have many options that you can take. You narrow them down as much as possible to choose the one you think is best. Sometimes, you can make a U-turn, sometimes you just carry on and wait till the road mergers with the main road. Sometimes, you just go through the tunnel long enough until you see some light ahead and you know that GOD is still there. Some just speed through life as though it is some expressway.

But this one major turn that you take in life, where you have no other options is one that GOD has decided for you. That’s called fate. Whatever happens before this is you error, your human error. Whatever happens after this is called fate – what GOD wrote way before you were born and the life GOD has paved for you. For me, I haven’t reached that major turn yet but I’m lost at all the windings and excessive pathways to take!

We are driving on an ever-changing road called life. What’s most important is to turn at the right bends at the right speed at the right time yet holding on the steering wheel called principles!

2009-02-15T12:53:00.002+08:00

I realised that the last post that i typed was like half a month ago. Time really seems to fly. Haven't been catching up with alot of stuff. But apparently, the flu and fever bug managed to catch up with me. It has been extremely long since i fell ill, like months. However, i fell ill like a week ago and have been suffering from fever till now. The highest my temperature tose to was 39.5, one night when i was in my bunk. Gosh, wonder when this fever bug will leave me!

Oh. Happy Belated Valentines Day to everyone. Haha. I never really understood nor cared about why we actually celebrated V'day. Neither was it one of the big events in a year that i await for. It just seems to be another normal day for me, where you can see people loitering around with bouquets and gifts and what not. I seriously don't see the need to have V'day because i personally feel that any day can become a V'day if you just express your love to anyone at anytime in life.

Sometimes in life you just wanna say so much but you know that there won't be a change.
Sometimes in life you just wished somethings didn't happen.
Sometimes in life you just wait for the right situation but it doesn't come.
Sometimes in life you just make a decision and think that it's the best.
Sometimes in life you just hope that you can turn time around.
Sometimes in life you just feel alone.
Sometimes in life you just wanna be alone.
Sometimes in life you just don't accept the changes you see around you.

And yes, this "sometimes" list goes on and on and on. It doesn't stop. But this life up there was created instantly and randomnly. Even I don't know why these things came up in my mind!!!

Thaipusam 09 was super fun. I didn't personally follow any kavadis. I just stayed at Perumal temple and observed all the kavadis. There were many different, creative and unique designs of kavadis this year. Some were super nice and of course, my camera was put to use! I will upload the photos soon, although it will be a little outdated by the time it's done.

Well, on Thaipusam, my godsis Devaki told me this "Annae you go NS become more seriuos."
Honestly my dear, it's not because of NS that i have become more serious. It is because of things that are happening around me that i have decided to be like this. I prefer being this way and i don't wanna fall into that same trap that i had fallen in, not once, not twice! It's hard to explain but time will do the explanation...

Till then,
Signing off
RaghaBoi

2009-01-31T14:18:00.002+08:00

Never leave Ragha alone. Never leave Ragha unoccupied even if it’s just a few minutes. Because when such situation arises, Ragha’s mind starts to think. And when such things happen, it doesn’t stop. It just goes on and on and on and on. That’s what happened when Ragha was doing his duty on the first day of Chinese New Year. He spent the whole day thinking and making innocent decisions. Too many. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a paper and a pen to note them down. So now based on his residual memory, he decided to blog what his mind went through for that 24 hours.

%#%#%

Ragha has decided that he needs time off from the life he is living now. (Wait, why am I typing this in third person view???)…

Yes. This is just another innocent decision I made. I really think that I need to move away from a lot of things that happening around me and spend some time for myself. I haven’t been catching up on myself lately. It has been a very long time that I had actually reflected on my life. I did small snips of them before I got enlisted, but they didn’t cover everything. I think it is time now that I actually reflect upon the things since 2008. Yes, it’s a year of reflections. And for that I need time. It may take hours (which is so unlikely), it may take days, even weeks, or months (even more unlikely). Whatever it is, I have decided that this ‘soul searching’ is rather important at this point in time. People may think that it’s too early. I’m 18 and relatively young to be dwelling too much about life and future. But to me, it’s just the first part of the many parts to come in the future years. This is just the foundation initiation of my soul search. I wouldn’t want a weak base to begin with when the time comes for me to set foot into the real world.

@@@@@

Honestly, I miss my school life. To be more exact, my JC life. I never thought that JC life would be having the greatest impact on my school life thus far. I always thought that my secondary school life was the best. Not until now. JC life has proven to be far better – in terms of enjoyment, achievement, lessons – both academically and life ones, friendship… Well, basically, after so many things that I went through in NYJC, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be missing NY. More like, I must miss NY. Thanks NY – especially 0705 and ICS!!!

_-_-_-_

Patience. People who know me know that I rarely get angry. More like, never gotten angry before. I’m of course proud to say that I never did get angry before, or even if I did, I have never showed it out.

I never really understood people who come and tell me that they were once people who were very hot-tempered but now they are more toned down. Well, to me temper is just an emotion. Why is it that difficult to control? I personally never felt ‘anger’. So I don’t really know the feeling of being angry and the explosive causes that makes one blow up.

Interestingly, a few days ago, I was thinking about patience. The next day, my godsister Prasana was chatting with me regarding this same issue. Haha. Random but coincidental. You can visit her blog to see what we actually chatted about. She practically posted the whole conversation there.

Basically, is there a limit to being patient? How patient can/should someone be?

I believe that the patience-meter differs amongst individuals. People tend to be more patient to people whom they love or whom they are closer to. This is because they are relatively willing to sacrifice more – whether time or things depending on the situation.

For example, I remember there was once where I had to wait in little India for 2 hours (plus plus) for my sister. I’m not very sure whether I will spend that same two hours waiting for someone whom I newly made friend with (honestly, I think I might). I mean, that’s the basic human instinct. Once they get frustrated of waiting, they just move on with what they need to do. They do have a limit of patience. Once that line is crossed, then comes anger.

(it's at this point of time where i lost my train of thoughts. i don't remember why. and that's the reason for the abrupt stop in the post about patience.)

........................................................................

I still remember how I dreaded my last book in. Not because of the stay in or the training. The last book in was would have been one of the best especially since it meant that I would only be in camp for three days before my next book out. But something just didn’t seem right and I didn’t feel nice booking in. I felt that I was leaving something behind, leaving something unattended and the outcome wouldn’t be so good when I return. I just couldn’t put my finger to it. Even now, I don’t know what it is that I’m missing out or ignoring, but I know the outcome is something I don’t wish for.

Like how things are going about now. Not the exact way I expected. However, I daresay that I was prepared for how the situations took turns. Haha. Like the saying goes, ‘better to be safe than be sorry’. Pretty much all of the issues haven’t been settled for a very long time and I haven’t been putting in much effort trying to solve them. I have been leaving time to settle them but it’s just taking a little too long and it doesn’t seem it to help. And so here comes the innocent decision where I plan to do a little something extra to put a fullstop to certain issues. At least I will be a little more prepared to tackle things if they manage to continue.

~~~~~

Ragha never believed in love – slightly more towards BGR but it still includes any other relationships, especially after all that had happened, not only to him but people all around him. And so now he has really confirmed that love is just bullshit. Haha. So crude, but that’s his believe and so it becomes hard to change. He just wants to put it across to a few out there that it’s time they move on with life. No point waiting for that Ragha ‘wierdo’ to change his mind. Yes, there might be a change but not as what you expect but far from something that you would actually wish for. He wants to be direct and frank but thinks that it will be a little too harsh. Well, he is being nice here. He is blatantly trying to put just this basic statement across – “ Ragha is never going to change his decision, so please do not waste your time, effort, money and everything else waiting for him. He is moving on and doesn’t want to waste time entertaining your love efforts, although he appreciates them”.

Till the next time,

Cheers Folks.

Ragha :)

2009-01-10T23:58:00.003+08:00

Worried parents.
Well, I still remember my mum and sister sending me off to Tekong on 12th December 2008. They weren't exactly worried. But as a son, who has been rather close with my mum, for the past 18 years, I knew that my mum was worried/anxious about her second son going to NS.

Yes. People perceive NS as some torture camp. Not me though. I kinda accepted the fact that NS is a passage every guy has to go through. It's not like any guy has a choice. Whether or not it is tough, just go through it. Many have done it, why not you? That question is sort of famous in NS. Some boys I know start to dread the fact that they have to go NS when they are 14,15 years of age. That's quite young. Maybe a 16,17 wouldn't be that bad.

Well, parents seem to think otherwise. They don't worry about their son going to NS until the time comes. And when the time comes, they become super worried and think too much.
My mum is exceptional though and that's thanks to me. Because she knew that or sort of guessed that I was prepared for NS. More like I was waiting to go in.

When I saw the direct enlistees getting enlisted during the the early Jan, I could sense the emotions my mum would have gone through at that point of time. Especailly the part where the parents eat the "last lunch" with their sons. The atmosphere when I was getting enlisted was different since I was the one going in. The atmosphere when the others were enlisting was totally different because I was observing. It was rather solemn. Really. Parents just didn't want to show their sons that they were worried. They were all hiding their emotions because they knew that their sons were equally worried and upset that they would be stranded on an island far away from home.

And today I had a chance to witness parents/families having to part with a member. My God Sister Gayathri, who recently got married was flying off to UK with her husband for two years. The whole family was down - uncles and aunties inclduing - to send her off. Well, she wasn't that emotionally affected at first. But as time passed she became upset slowly.

And when the screen showed "gate open", that's when the tears started pouring. Yes she cried. Her parents cried. Her aunt cried. Well, it was really emotionally touching. To see someone close to heart crying because she has to leave her family here and go off with another loved one to somewhere far. Those emotions can't be simply explained by words. What I saw still stays in my eyes. Haha... Nice parents, nice daughter, nice family.

Life's just like that. Things happen the way they are supposed to. Just go with the flow. But never have regrets!!!

2009-01-10T12:33:00.000+08:00

I was sitting in my bunk one day and this random thought came into my mind. Is looks everything? Interestingly, when reading today’s paper (Straits Times), it had a ‘talkback’ column in Stomp which had the same topic. Haha. How coincidental right?

I’m not saying I was never a vain pot. Of course, looks did bother to me. I was always extra cautious on how I look. I used to think that I am handsome (even now I do). I know that I’m not the most handsome one out there and that there are people who far better looking than me. That didn’t bother me lah – as in I was never jealous of that. I used to think that by being at my best – in terms of dressing and looks, more people would ‘like’ me.

Somewhere during my mid-teenage, about two to three years ago, I couldn’t be bothered about looks anymore. I was very rigid in the way I looked. For instance, my hairstyle. I was very sure that I will never change it and I would always want to look the way I am. I decided that looking presentable was enough.

Last year, I decided to have a different look. That’s how the guy in the blog photo (above) came about. This change wasn’t because I wanted to fit in or so. But it was just that I thought that as long as I feel comfortable with the way I am, I can carry myself better within the society.

And now, the question is – does looks really matter? THINK!!!

Is it hard for someone who is ‘ugly’ to survive in today’s world? Firstly, how do you define someone as ugly? Haha. I mean, being handsome, hot, cute – all these have their own definitions. But being ugly??? Is it just when someone doesn’t like the way one looks or dresses?

Imagine someone who is like the most handsome person you know. One day, unfortunately, he meets with a terrible accident. That bad accident disfigures his face badly that he no longer has the ‘good’ looks. (I know this sounds a little too far fetched). Does his looks matter now?

Yes, only if he is some model or some air steward. Other than that, does he being ‘ugly’ have any impact on how he survives in the society?

Some careers requires the beauty factor like being an air steward, model, front desk receptionist… But is beauty the only required factor?

Like the saying goes – “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. (Not BEER-holder). Basically, I feel that as long as you are comfortable with the way you are – in dressing and the way you look, you can carry yourself better. Confidence will just come by itself when you are comfortable with who you are. Why bother about what people think about you? When you know that you are happy looking this way, then the comment of others can never bring you down. Only when you start doubting whether you really look good and become too self-conscious, then the comment by others will sure pull your confidence down.

Being yourself is the best way to look good.

Beauty comes from inside. Not from the outside. Yes. People may look gorgeous but filled with a filthy mind, thoughts and words. Is that beauty??? Imagine a model. Yes, she’s pretty, that’s why she is a model. You meet that gorgeous model one day in public and being her ardent fan, you smile and wave at her. How does she react? She just walks away, pretending like she never saw you. Beauty at its worst? Or imagine, you see that you strike a conversation with that hot model and she goes “FO dude”. Would her beauty still be what you go for?

Character. Personality. Charisma. Actions. Thoughts. Love.

2009-01-02T14:48:00.003+08:00

See that photo there. That's me and my Dad.

Reasons why I uploaded this photo:

Not many people has seen my Dad. For those who haven't, yeah, this is my Dad.
And that's me - botak head. Many people wanted to see me with my "new" hairstyle. So here it is.
This is like one of the very rarest moments that I actually take a 'good' shot with my Dad. If I'm not wrong, this could be the first ever photo that I took with my Dad, since teenage years.
This photo was taken in Changi airport today morning. Yesh. My Dad's flying off to India. Not for vacation but for military training. 6 months!!!

OH BOY. I'm sure gonna miss that old man... I'm serving the nation as a NS man while my Dad's serving the nation as a military personnel. Hmmm... I will be away for three months and he 6 months...

Cheers Dad. Love You.

2008-12-31T22:49:00.001+08:00

First and foremost, HAPPY 2009 to all!!!

I can’t believe it but year 2008 has jus ended (or going to la). It’s just too fast. I still remember dreading on 31st December 2007, on how I had to head back to college and start mugging for A levels (and also prepare for Puyal).

Including all the shit that I went through during 2008, from academics to life to relationships… I can remember everything as if they just happened a minute ago. I don’t know whether they are that very impactful or I’m just being to0 sensitive or more like my brains have to much of empty space that these things just occupy it. Haha…

Honestly, I have to thank GOD for such a beautiful year. Yes. Every day of our lives comes with it’s own ups and downs. That is life. And this year of course did have it’s own balanced share of pros and cons. Like all other years, it has of course, impacted my life – made me learn new things, life skills, understand the world, people and what not!!!

NS life has been of course fun. It hasn’t been long since I started serving the nation, via being a trainee in some island far away, yet in Singapore. Honestly, I am enjoying every single bit there. It is tiring. Yes, no doubt. But the time there spent everyday, thus far, has proven to be something that I can never forget. NS isn’t that tough as many dread. Like what the army tends to do, “NS turns boys into men”.

However, NS hasn’t changed my way of life as much. Haha. Like all other days, even in NS, in that small little bunk I still do have thoughts flowing through that tired brain after all that training. These thoughts would have been blogged if I were to bee home. But since there’s like no internet access in Tekong, at least no for recruits, I cannot blog. Interestingly, Army has decided to give all recruits something called a journal, where we are expected to reflect on everyday’s activities. Apart from that reflection, which is very minimal in my journal, there are a lot of insights that my brain generates which have been penned down. However, due to the lack of time, I don’t seem to be able to note down all my thoughts.

I know I haven’t been contacting anyone lately. I’m not sorry about that. Personally, it is an achievement for me. Try it. It’s hard to live without messaging your loved ones for like 2 to 3 weeks – not even a single “hi”. I mean for me, it wasn’t that hard. To be frank, I had the urge to message people. Cos I used to have this *good/ bad (delete where applicable) habit of messaging people a greeting message randomly. But for these three weeks, I messaged no one. It was kind of fun though. But I know that it’s slightly wrong (note the word SLIGHTLY) that I don’t have contact with them. Even now I think it’s not wrong totally. Haha… Just Ragha being himself again.

Things haven’t been going the way I want to - more like just one issue out of the many issues that I planned on doing. Just one. But then and again, it’s a major one. It seemed to have been working out well. But the ball bounced back, after a VERY LONG TIME. It was because of a simple lie. Something that meant to be a signal for me move on immediately and not look back at it. But the truth, when revealed was of course, pulling me back, deep in just like quick sand. Well, I think love is like quick sand after all. You have to have like some machine to pull you out of it. If not, you just stay there and get “sucked” in, into your death bed.

During my NS days so far, I have been calling home everyday, talking to my parents and siblings. Like what everyone would have guessed, half the phone call would be with my sister. Haha… we just talk, talk and talk. The only reason that I hang up is because I have to do some work or lights out timing is like nearing. Haha… Give the opportunity to talk longer, I would do so (not like I didn’t before… SHHH!!!).

There’s this particular chat with my sister that stayed in my heart, deeply buried. It wasn’t with her only. But with someone else - a conference call. it started out nice, interesting and lively, despite the time (12am plus, midnight). It ended bitter!!! Believe me, it was bitter – more bitter than 7 bittergourds. You can blame me for the bitter ending. It hasn’t ended though, but hopefully it doesn’t surface up tomorrow, because I will be meeting him.

That little chat showed me a lot and of course, made me believe strongly in what I always believed. Never regret your decision!

That’s a piece of small little advice that I can give to all when starting your new year. Seriously, live life like there’s no tomorrow but then never regret what your actions! Quite contradictory eh? Just like Ragha himself!
If anyone asks me to introduce myself, I would simply say, I’m a simple guy living life the way I want. Yet, I stick to this policy that I would, should and shall not regret the decisions or my actions after they are done. Of course, I have regretted a few. That’s before I strongly believed in this principle. So basically, “living life the way you want with no regrets” would be the motto for 2009!

Honestly, 2009 is a special year for me. I have a lot of plans for 2009. Never in my life of 18 years, I have had so MANY plans for a new year. Maybe because when any new year is nearing, I will be worrying about school. But this year, there’s no such worry. Just maybe NS and my A level results that will be out next year, nonetheless, I am ready for the year 2009 with a lot of plans. No resolutions so far. Not that I had any for the past few years!

Once again people.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
HAVE A BLESSED 2009!!!

2008-12-10T00:24:00.000+08:00

It hasn’t bothered me much that I’m going in to NS. It’s in another two days time. This Friday, 12th December, 830am. Honestly, I’m waiting to go. But the timing is soo early la. 830 liao. Must get up like…

However, people I know seem to have more reaction that I expected. They seem to be extremely worried that I’m going NS. They tell me not to forget them once I go in. they tell me to SMS them whenever I’m free. They tell me to meet up after I’m done with NS or during weekends. They tell me to be careful of myself and to be back safely.

HELLO PEOPLE. I’M NOT MIGRATING TO PERTH. I’M GOING NS ONLY LA. I WILL BE OUT SOON AND I WILL NOT BE GONE FOREVER!!! Haha…

But people, I sincerely thank you for your care and concern. Do not worry about me much and take care of yourselves too. Enjoy yourselves and don’t miss me too much!!!

Interestingly, yet contrastingly, I have decided otherwise. I’m not going to tell my decision blatantly on my blog. Those who know me well or can like smartly figure it out, will know what my decision is.

I know it’s not an easy decision. Of course. I have tried it before, however, on a smaller scale la. It was pretty hard la. I remember failing a few times, before I succeeded in that decision. This time though, I am very sure that I will succeed in the first ‘move’ itself. That’s how important that decision is! More like a plan though.

I know I make it sound so dramatic and terrible and all, but that’s the truth la. It’s not like some life or death matter but then it is still major. It is somewhat linked to my future – my social well-being. Haha.

I have though about this – many times. Really. I just don’t know whether it’s my own choice or a choice that people around me made me come up with. I don’t blame them. But they sure have a huge part in initiating this particular decision. Whatever it is, I’m very sure with this decision I have taken. It’s like the ‘big move’. See how it goes la.

I remember chatting with my junior regarding him retaining or whether he should go poly. And I remember this phrase he said “I want to make my own decision for once and I want this decision to be right for once!”. It kinda stuck to my heart. It made me think of ALL the decisions I had taken thus far in my life – since the time I knew about taking decisions up to this minute. Many of the decisions that I have taken have of course played a part in what I am today, whether good or bad. Some of them, I regretted having to take. Some of which I am proud to boast about. Some of which I were forced to take. Some of which I did it, just for the sake of it. In the end, they all had something to teach me – a lesson learnt!

This decision sure will have something to teach me. I know that I won’t regret it. I know I’m not forced to take it. I know that it will lead me in the correct path – a path that will pave a near perfect future for me. Gosh! I know I make it sound so terrible.
I guess this will be like the last post before I go in to NS. I should be really busy for the next two days – spending quality time with my family and preparing for NS – not mentally or physically but material wise. Haha… Have a small list of things to bring there from what I see from the letter that they sent. Haha…

I remember someone telling me this “You go in as a boy and return as a MAN”. Sounds rather cool eh? Like some evolution. Haha… I always personally thought that NS is a necessity in every guy’s life. It is like a ‘rite of passage’ for guys (like what SJI says). It is like a ritual that every guy has to go through is Singapore. I never dreaded going for NS. I don’t know why.

Oh ya. I don’t know whether I mentioned that I wanted to clear something regarding my ex-relationship before I go in to NS. Initially I wanted to meet up with her. But she was like spending her time out of town and wasn’t planning to return back anytime soon or at least anytime before I go NS. So I decided to SMS her.

And I remember asking her whether my money will decrease (I’m using prepaid mah!) or her bill will increase if I were to SMS her. Haha… What a cheapo right?

I asked her whether she had really moved on in life, as in accepted the fact that we are mere friends and whether she has gotten over our past relationship. Interestingly, she said YES, definitely. I was shocked. Seriously! Haha. I was of course, super elated la. I didn’t expect that answer from her. That was what I wanted her to do since the time we parted. Haha. Took two years – fine, almost two.

And she also added another thing saying that she had ‘grown up’. Another thing that I so didn’t expect from her. Haha. I never felt that she was some childish brat or something. But that two words (‘grown up’) really did have a hard impact on me. Not just with her, but with many others around me. Maybe she did grow up but I may not have noticed.

They are others around me who have seriously grown up and I can surely feel it. And together with that growing up, the distance between us sure grows even more. To me, I still treat them as this small 15/16 year old boy/girl whom is lost and unsure of the world. But then as they grow, they prove me wrong. But they just go too far out. Proving me wrong is different from making me hate them. They go all out and make themselves seem like villains in my life. Useless villains though. You one me to treat you like a grown up, behave like it, but that gives you no right to become a downright asshole! Haha… I’m referring to a lot of people. And I’m honestly, sick of such people.

And this leads me to think of how many times I have misused the word ‘love’. I have an entry on this topic some months back. But it hit me again today. I realized that I have indeed made the word ‘love’ so meaningless. Not only me. People around me are doing the same. It has become such a common word that it is used like in every SMS – whether as a greeting or a signing off word. I have been seeing that word more than often in SMS from my friends, sister and brothers. And I really do not know whether it’s sincere because that’s how meaningless they (and including me) have made it seem.
I sincerely apologise for such mistake of using such a ‘heavenly’ and strong word like as if it is some swear word that I can use in every sentence. Haha… I don’t know how many people I have hurt by using this word. Of course, I am happy that I have hurt people by NOT using that word because I’m sure that by NOT using it, I’m being genuine. I really have to think back and see how many people have been ‘tricked’ by me and my usage of the word ‘love (you)’. Dangerous word eh???

I know that this entry is DAMN long. But you can read it part by part la. It will keep you occupied (if you are someone who visits my blog like everyday) for the few weeks of my BMT (Basic Military Training).

My mum and I were having a small chat today and I realized that I can learn a lot of things from her experience. Sadly most of them are like the “don’ts in life. Yeah it’s true that other people experiences can be lessons for one’s life. But my mum’s experiences have taught me many things – why I shouldn’t be like her. Haha…

She used an example of gold. How gold is melted before being designed. And also the fig tree. Or is it the banyan tree??? Haha… Who knows? It was really funny chatting with her because half the time, her views contradicted mine and she knew that I was never going to listen to whatever she said. At the same time, she knew that I was picking up learning points from what she was saying. And she also would have known that those points aren’t those that she wanted me to learn.

Thanks mum. For letting me live my life the way I want and letting me take decision myself. Yet being there whenever I needed you for advice!!! Cheers Mum!!! :)

We always have an argument about giving in to people. I just don’t know how to put it down in words. More like I don’t know how to put it in ENGLISH words. Because we argue in tamil… Maybe she uses more tamil than me la. I argue more in English. Haha… So let me leave u with this question.

“How much should you give in to someone? Does giving in depend on the person? How much you love them? How much you gain in return? How much they deserve it? How much they appreciate it? How satisfying is it? How important is it?”

That’s all Folks!

Till some time later,

Cheers,
Ragha :)

2008-12-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

I WAS TYPING THIS PRETTY LONG POST SINCE 1040 AND ALL GOT DELTETED!
MY INTERNET EXPLOER IS AN ASSHOLE!!! GRRRRRRRR....

Im not gonna continue or retype that shit!!! DAMN!!!

2008-12-02T20:59:00.006+08:00

A DAY IN AUNTY SHINI'S LIFE AFTER SCHOOL AT THE BUS-STOP!

She waits patiently for her 156 SBS bus.

It's a hot weather so she uses some paper to fan herself.

It got hotter. So she had to use the back of her shirt to fan herself.

Apparently, she got irritated with me fot taking photos.

Since the weather was killing and her bus was taking SOOO long!

She got tired waiting for her bus. She YAWNS!

She sees her bus coming.

She looks up like some hamster once it sees food.

She's sure excited.

And after half an hour of waiting, she boards her bus!!!

And Aunty Shini is heading home!

>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<

RJC NIGHT 2008

(i know its damn outdated la.)

This photo was taken 'cos Divy and Aish

wanted me to capture a photo of their eye candy.

I wasn't taling photo of their eyes.

It was a photo of their eye candy!!!

And a not so clear one.

HMMM...

Darshu with her 'friend' and his mum!

You should have seen the reaction she gave when she saw him.

DRAMA Queen.

A photo of Divy and Aish.

And our DEAR DAG.

(D is pretty short so you might not be able to see her)

Divy and Aish.

And DAG, again!

She the smile Darshu gives when talking to his mum!

Or is it 'in-law'???

The group of RJC-ians who were part of RJC nite.

DAG is there too!!!

<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>

I'm so sure Shini is going to SCREAM her head off when she sees this! Haha. Sorrie Shini!!! :)

2008-11-28T23:42:00.003+08:00

am arrogant.

(that’s like so true. Haha. But I have got all reasons to be!)

ain't genuine.

(thought about this when I was in the bus. Hmmm. Quite fake at times, especially with emotions!)

havn't changed since GOD knows when.

(shalini agrees with this too. Nantheni will disagree. But I haven’t changed. I think I should. See how la.)

am freaking thinking too much these days.

(YES!!! Especially when I go out. A lot of thoughts flowing through my head and they all stay. So my mind is like full of thoughts!)

have been meeting and making new friends.

( more than I did in the first 6 months of this year. Just in one month, but a lot of friends!)

have been spending soo much time out.

(going out everyday. Have a heavy schedule. Meeting load of people and enjoying myself with them. Deserve this quality time! After all that shit I went through for As.)

can't wait to go NS.

(I think NS is like the most fun phase of a guy’s life. Although people I met have been giving me negative comments about NS. Haha. See how it goes!)

have really got a lot of issues to think about.

(can’t mention the issues here. Cos the issues are related to people who visit my blog. Haha.)

want to go swimming.

(have been thinking of doing so. But haven’t done so. Haha. Time is flying la. Have to start soon.)

can't wait for NavaZ outing.

(annual Navaz outing. YAHOO!!!)

can't wait for ICS outing.

(Yeah. It’s been a while since we ICS idiots enjoyed!)

am seriously pissed with some idiots.

(maybe some is an understatement. Haha. I’m pissed like with A LOT of people!)

was pleased to see 'her' yesterday.

(after so long la. Haha. She was so pretty. She still stays in my mind!!!)

got my camera.

(bought it, at last. Have beem taking photos with and of loved ones!)

love Valli and Gayu Ka.

(the best companions to go watch movie with. Went to watch ‘Varanam Aayiram’ with them. Surely an unforgettable memory la! Love you sisters!!!)

am gonna' miss Mrs. Jay.

(she’s going to get married. *sobz* gonna miss her la.)

am starting to hate some people in my life.

(needless to mention anything about this.)

have been talking rubbish to people online.

(I pity Sakthivel – my thambi. He has been going through my nonsense for two straight days! Haha. Thanks boi)

2008-11-23T21:25:00.002+08:00

Praveena's latest post didn't inspire me to think this. Haha... She thinks so though! You didn't Praveena. You know why. Cos one of my very first posts was about guys dancing bharatanatyam. Actually, it was the first post!

Well guys and bharathanatyam (Indian Classical Dance). Hmm… It is just a typical thinking that if guys learn bharathanatyam, they are either gay or sissy! WHY???!!!

In NYJC, I remember that we were given options to choose some kind of sport to learn for PE. Interestingly, dance was an option. So guys from different classes were having the same PE slot as mine and so when the teacher asked whether we are okay with dance, the instant reply was “NO! So gay lor.”

I was extremely shocked! I, personally have a passion for dance. I have to mention this here – Puyal killed my passion for dancing! Haha… I thought dance was a good ‘sport’ to take up since I never took up any dance classes. But then, I was denied that opportunity since the group of guys was totally against dance. The only type of dance that guys wouldn’t mind learning is either ‘hip-hop’ or ‘break dancing’. To them learning ‘salsa’, ‘line dancing’ and other forms of dance are all what sissies would do!

Coming back to bharathanatyam. Why is it that if a guy learns Indian Classical dance, the Indian community thinks that they are either gay or sissy? If they see someone dance bharathanatyam, they conclude that that guy is a sissy! People think like that because mostly girls learn it. And why don’t guys learn it? It because of the stereotype that any guys who learn it must be a sissy. So guys just forgo their interest of learning it (if they have the interest la) so that they can fit into the common perception of the Indian community.

What a waste! Guys are actually missing out on such a beautiful dance because of this stereotype. Bharathanatyam may be a graceful dance form or the dressing may not be so masculine, but to me, personally, I think that to be a complete dancer (if you are an Indian), one has to learn bharathanatyam. It makes a dancer complete! Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I have given up my passion for dancing. Because I have not learnt bharathanatyam and my mum is totally against it!

Every time during Navaraathiri (Nine nights), I always go to temples to watch the cultural performances. That’s the only way I could satisfy my thirst to enjoy the beauty of bharathanatyam. That’s also another reason why I make it a must to watch my god sister Kanegal perform at various temples. And sometimes, since I am rather close to her, I comment on her dance!

WHY WHY WHY??? Why did such stereotype come about? How did it actually come about???

Oh ya! Talking about dance and being sissy. Those who watched Dhool ’08. Remember our champions – Aerocratz. Their first dance performance on TV (for quarter finals). Their concept was splendid and awesome! When I watched the dance, I felt that the theme was acceptance of gays into the society (and as Vitz says – also the acceptance of ‘ugly people’ into the society). The guys, made an extreme effort to dress up like girls (even to the extent of painting their nails) to make the dance stay in our minds. But then, I don’t think anyone confirmed that the guys of Aerocratz are gays or sissies! Why is that so??? I’m not saying that they are. I’m just being practical. People say that learning bharathanatyam is being gay/sissy, how come Aerocratz wasn’t labeled such? Not that I want them to. Please do not misunderstand me! Hmmm… Something to think about???

And, all bharathanatyam dancers pay their respects to Lord Nadarajan before their dance. Hello. Lord Nadarajan is a MALE! He’s like the God of Dance! So are Indians trying to say that HE is a sissy too?

I know a few guys who learnt bharathanatyam. But sadly, they stopped halfway, especially when they reach their teenage years. Reason being – their peers laugh at them! Some don’t see the use of learning bharathanatyam in their future years and they don’t think they will have the ‘guts’ to perform in front of a large audience, because they are afraid that the public will label them as sissies!

We just don’t know how many guys have hidden talents and how many of them could be potential bharathanatyam dancers. Dancers better than their female counterparts! Thanks to Indians and their mindset!

Talk about dancers! Prabhu Deva and Lawrence Raghavendra are dancers too!!! Kamal learnt bharathanatyam too – he ain’t sissy!!! Jayam Ravi too – is he sissy??? Girls fall for him, which means he is supposed to be some ‘hot Indian hunk’.

Bharathanatyam is a splendid art form that every one has to know about, let alone learn.

It makes Indian dancers complete.

A fabulous piece of dance.

Simply PERFECT!

(My next post will be about the colour purple and the sterotype that guys who like purple are GAYS!)

2008-11-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

“You cry, because you wanted to spend so much more time with that person and do so much more stuff which circumstances wouldn’t have allowed when the person was alive. You cry, because the person's precious to you. Because you cant see the person any more, spend time with that person, get comfort from the person, give the person comfort. Laugh with the person anymore and all those stuff.”

This is what my junior (emo kid Praveena) replied regarding my post. You can read it in the tags itself.

I used to say that ‘don’t expect anything in life’. Now I would say ‘the only thing you should expect in life is death, whether your own or others”. Quite true.

So if you know that someday or another that the person you love is going to go, shouldn’t you just make use of the day that he/she is with you to shower him/her with love? If you really wanted to spend time with that person and do more stuff, wouldn’t you take the extra effort to do it, even if circumstances forbid you from doing so?

When a person is gone, you can’t spend time with them anymore right? So why not use the time that they are alive to enjoy their presence? So you know that you have enough memories to last for your lifetime. But shouldn’t you be prepared to actually lose that precious someone when death is a natural phenomenon. Just that you don’t know when and to who it happens!

Hmmm… Honestly, Prav, your tags did make sense. At the same time, they don’t. I’m a Gemini – have to be fickle minded what!

2008-11-21T13:54:00.002+08:00

Well I was cleaning my house today. Yes! You read it correctly. I WAS CLEANING MY HOUSE. And as expected, Ragha started to think when he is bored. And so comes this post…

I was thinking whether how much you spend equates to how much you love someone.
Take these two scenarios for example - a guy meets his lover on her birthday.

Scenario1:
He meets her. Brings her to a posh restaurant like Fish & Co. (at Dhoby Ghaut where the cheapest food is like $13.90 served with plain water) and then move on to have dessert at Haagen Daz (where the cheapest ice-cream – ONE scoop is about $8.80, if I’m not wrong). He buys her a dress bought from Prada or Guess or Gucci (I don’t know all these shops – Sarah and Praveena told me) which will cost a bomb. And then follows her back home in a cab. Basically, he just pays for everything that night. All these, happens in just an hour or so.

Scenario 2:
He meets her. Brings her to 925 (Yishun) to buy her favourite meal – Chicken rice. And then move on to have dessert at the roadside buying ice-cream from the ‘ice-cream uncle’. He buys her a dress bought from the ‘pasar malam’ (night market – although most of the shops are like open in the afternoon.) A dress that she wanted but didn’t have money with her (either because she forgot her wallet or only brings ATM cards or is really cannot afford it). And then he follows her home, walking. Basically, he pays for everything that night (notice the difference in amount). However, he spends the whole day with her.

In which scenario would the girl feel loved? In the one where the guy spends like his two weeks’ savings on her? Or the one where the guy buys stuff that she loves although they don’t finish up his savings?

(If you are a guy reading this post, please make the necessary amendments, especially the part where the guy buys a dress for her. It would be like “the girl buys a shirt/pair of jeans for him”.)

I really don’t know! Would how much you spend tell someone how much you love them? Or would the time you spend with them tell how much you love them? Or is it just giving them what they like that will show the immense love you on them?

(Please tag to leave your comments and not SMS me and ask me how to leave a comment.)

...........

Non-conformist. That’s what I would call myself (Karthik calls himself that too). I really just can’t follow rules and belief, especially if there is no rationale behind it. Indians are just very good at doing this though (I know I’m an Indian too). I think I have blogged about it before.

They just follow beliefs because their parents/ grandparents said so. And then they pass it to down to the future generations. And when people like me, ask “Why so?”, all they do is scold and say I’m a rebellious kid and that I will never survive in the future.

Hello! Do you see why disparity exists in India? Do you see the widening gap between the rich and the poor? You can blame the government for this. The government just seems to be putting in TOO LITTLE effort to alleviate the situation. And you have to blame the Indians as well. They are just too rigid with their beliefs and tradition. Too rigid for their own good!

Not just poverty. But the lifestyle of Indians is very narrow because of their beliefs. I’m not here to slam their beliefs or condemn them, but the beliefs in those days may not just simply suit today’s lifestyle. Whether religion, tradition or culture, changes are necessary. I’m not asking them to forgo their beliefs and follow the western lifestyle. Teenagers these days are very much influenced by the western way of living. Yes, their (the western) lifestyle may seem the best. But then, we can always integrate our way of life into that particular lifestyle. Or, even still, we can adapt part of the western culture into our rich Indian culture. Nothing wrong. As long as our roots remain intact and do not get destroyed over time.

Take Deepavali as an example. It was a must that we get up before sun rise, apply oil on our heads, bath and head to our relatives’ house in traditional costumes. Now, not many follow this. They wake up early, not before sun rise though. Some don’t even visit their relatives. Those who do, do not wear traditional costumes. For example, guys are supposed to be in Jippa. Now, they just wear the Jippa top with jeans.

The time and dressing may have changed a little. We can see the different cultural influences in our dressings. But that hasn’t changed the essence of Deepavali. Indians still celebrate Deepavali and follow the rituals that come together. Deepavali has indeed undergone many changes but the beliefs and tradition are still respected and followed.

When such a festival itself can adapt to the changing world, I don’t see why we humans (Indians in particular) cannot do the same? People may say, ‘talking is easy but doing it isn’t’. Well, if you aren’t gonna give a try, how would you know? If this is considered a risk, take small steps to create a change, so that you won’t fall back hard if it doesn’t work out.

......

I remember asking my friend Shalini (Shorty Shalu) this question. “Why do people cry when their loved ones die?”. Haha. People may think that it’s the dumbest question. Many people told me that they cry because they are losing their precious one. They can no longer be with them and that there won’t me any precious moments with them anymore – just the past memories that they leave behind.

I have never seen the death of a precious one. Not that I want to see. But, c’mon. Reality. All of us have to face the death of someone close. I wouldn’t know whether I will cry when I’m in such situation. Maybe the tears are part of a natural process, where the death is a stimulus and then the brain cell signals the tear glands. And all that signal amplification and then the response is to CRY.

My argument here is why cry when the person has left? You cry because you feel that you have lost someone special? Why not you let them know how special they are to you when they are alive? Rather than crying and regretting. Why not make them feel special when they are with you? Why not express your love whenever there’s a chance? Why not reflect on the memories once a while and not just when they are gone?

I really don’t know! Is death THAT painful? Time will have the answer.

2008-11-17T11:38:00.007+08:00

"Hey I read your blog. I don't know what exactly u wrote in there but something u mentioned really stuck with me. I'm... but what you wrote made me realise something. So thank you! I may not know you well but thanks for being such a great J2."

This is what my junior sent me after reading the two entries that I posted on 11th Nov. I asked her what she meant by that SMS and she didn't reply.

Well, unknowingly and unintentionally, I did make a lot of people think after reading those two entries. Haha. Another friend of mine SMS-ed me asking me when I was going to update my blog with such "thought provoking, cool" entries. Haha.

I'm not saying all these because I wanna boast about my blogging skills. But I'm just shocked at the power of words. I remember coming across this GP essay title, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Although this isn't the work of a pen, indirectly, thanks to technological advancement, blogging becomes a 'pen' in disguise. So yeah. I wanted to attempt that question but didn't. Zhiling attempted that question though. And her essay was of course, GOOD!

Well finished with my second last paper today. Bio Paper 3 - Application paper. I thought it was more like paper 2 because I didn't have to think too much. Paper 2 on the other hand was super hard. Personally, I found it like an application paper. Paper 3 was just vomitting out whatever I memorised and the marks allocated for simple questions were too much. But then, that was what made the paper look easy.

Thursday - the day of freedom. Last paper for A levels! Bio MCQ. 1 hour 15 minutes (for 40 question). YAHOO!!! Can't wait for it. That would mean I would be left with 20 days to enjoy before heading to NS!!! YEAH mann. Can't wait for NS and the big move that would follow that!

Was chatting with one of my schoolmates. She's a Gemini too. I'm a Gemini too, for those who don't know. So we are supposed to have something in common. She asked me whether Geminis are vain and have split personality.

I went to research online. Here's the results for Gemini:

(Provided by Tarot.com)

Gemini go everywhere together, hand-in-hand, symbolizing your dual nature. Our world comes in pairs: good and evil, male and female, in and out, yin and yang -- and you Geminis are living proof. Some might say Gemini are an entanglement of paradoxes (hello, that's so not true!!!), but the truth is that Gemini have an easy acceptance of opposites. Gemini world is one of duality (are they saying that Gemini have split personailty and lead a double life?!?). Gemini can like this and that, one thing and its opposite. It's like you see your world through a radio and Gemini can tune experiences and points of view in and out as your interests change.You Geminis are curious, talkative, versatile and mentally active. Your mind can bounce around from one topic to another with great ease, making Gemini the champion of cocktail party chatter and lighthearted social encounters. Others will think that Gemini are fun to be with, but your ability to change with the changing winds can also lead others to see Gemini as shallow (shallow... I'm deep).Gemini motto might be "A rolling stone gathers no moss."( I don't understand what this means. Anyone care to explain???) You are the eternally youthful child, no matter your chronological age. A razor-sharp wit can have you verbally dueling with the very best of opponents, who moments later are your best of friends. (This is like sooo true. Haha... My personal experiences are evidence.) As you fly through life, don't forget to take time to smell the flowers. (Smell the flowers for what!!! And there's like so little flowers in S'pore that have smell. And half the time, the female use perfumes that 'stink' up the whole place!)

Element: Air.

The astrological element of air represents movement. And the most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Air signs are thinkers. (Sometimes they just think too much I guess.) They emphasize the intellect over other functions. With active minds and a good command of language, the air signs are the natural born communicators. (Of course!) They can be light and breezy as the breath of spring, but their words can also carry the power of a gale force wind.The air of Gemini is always changing direction. First the winds blow one way, then another. It's a metaphor for how our mind solves a puzzle, first thinking one way and then trying a different approach. This is a restless (restless eh. Can't deny that one.) and searching wind.

Key Planet: Mercury

Mercury, the Messenger of the Gods, moves around the Sun faster than any other planet. (I didn't know that!) He symbolizes our thoughts -- not only how we think, but how we communicate. In fact, Mercury is in charge of all language. Mercury is our active and rational mind. It is not only "just the facts" but also what we do with them. As the key planet of Gemini, Mercury is restless and changeable. It drives us to talk and to listen, but not necessarily to action. (Action... Hmmm. My ex-girl will sure agree to this. I'm against it though.)

Gemini Greatest Strength: Your curiosity about a variety of interests

Gemini Possible Weakness: Distracting yourself from what is most important

(everything in this colour is my opinion. Not what was taken from the web)

Geminis ROCK!!!

2008-11-11T23:30:00.001+08:00

I am so tempted to blog. I told Prasanna (my Godsister) that I so wanna blog at like 10 plus. Ended up chatting with so many people that I didn’t blog until 1130, which is like now! Haha… Gosh. Time flies.

Well. It has been a while since P. Pras (she will know what the P stands for) and I had chatted. We always chat about abstract issues, something that most of my friends don’t do. I just love chatting with her because we kind of share a lot of common thoughts. She’s just like another Vitz.

I remember us chatting about friendship and trust. One of the first few chats. It was extremely interesting that find someone younger than me who actually has such thoughts. And she wasn’t just listening to me crapping. She was sharing. Indeed, I learnt some things from her too. Have met her only once (or twice), sadly. Haha…

And it was after very long that I chat with my thambi, Sakthivel. He was doing his Os, so didn’t see him online for a while. Now that he is back, he has to put up with my nonsense. Sad life for him. Haha…

And now I totally forgot what I wanted to blog about. DAMN!!!

….. after a while… 5 minutes or so…

Yeah. About change.

My dear Karthik was using this stupid font on MSN. It was totally un-readable. It wasn’t English. And he was typing with symbols. And I asked him why. He said ‘change is the only constant’. Well true. And that made me think! (Well, that’s Ragha.)

Change. I remember reading this article on “Mind Your Body” (in Straits Times) written by Gary Hayden. It was pretty good. I remember there was something about a river and about touching the river. It like one can say that they have actually touched the river but then it wasn’t the same river that they touched because the water isn’t the same! Confusing?

Well, simply put, nothing is ever constant for one to say that it’s the same. So here it brings me to think. So are we as humans a ‘constant’ thing at all? I mean from the time we born, we undergo changes – physically, mentally, psychologically and etc. So if we undergo so many changes, can we say that we are not the original people that we see everyday?

Looking at it on the surface level. We change clothes everyday. It doesn’t make us a new person on the inside but surely on the outside, we look different. But that’s just clothes. Given that we all think differently each day, does that imply that we are different people?
Basically because people are determined by the way they are – they way they behave, the way they think, how they approach issues and the people surrounding them. So if one day I wake up being extremely upset, am I no longer Ragha? Or am I still the same Ragha, with just different emotion?

We are different each day. We face different problems each day. We meet almost new people everyday, whether we know them or not. For me, I mingle with the same people in school everyday. But are they the same? I mean, they can’t wake up feeling the same as yesterday. They can’t come to school expecting to do the same things they did the day before. They can’t be the exact same person they were yesterday, a week ago, a month ago or even a year ago. So, the bottom-line is we meet new people daily. Does that make us new? It brings us back to where I begin – are we at all the same person that we think we are?

Even now, as I type this blog, I maybe a Ragha who is thinking too much (as Prasanna says). Tomorrow when I visit my very own blog, I would be having different thoughts, surprisingly or not, they may even be against what I feel today. So if nothing is constant, how on what basis do our lives revolve around? Change? Amazing! How something that changes revolves around something that ever-changing, yet the only constant that exists in the world!
(I can hear some people go “DAMN, I’m confused.)

Well, so in this ever-changing life, change is the only constant. Yet it is the change itself that is changing and makes everything else change. Is it possible to be the un-changeable? Is it possible to change the change? Is it possible to change and yet remain as who we are – as who we were introduced into the world as?

Once again. Perspective?

No! Reality.

Not Ragha’s perspective.

Just the harsh truth laid down in a simple way!

The only perspective is how one perceives the change.

Not how the ‘change’ perceives.

2008-11-11T12:57:00.002+08:00

I had this sudden doubt just a few minutes ago. A very random one indeed.

I was thinking why did GOD categorize mankind into two different genders? Why the need for gender in the first place? Surely GOD would have known that there will be problems caused by mankind because of this gender difference. Why did GOD have to create humankind in such a way that there is a need for a man and a woman to come together, make love, have sex and continue mankind?

When GOD can create flowers that self-pollinate, why didn’t GOD create mankind, whether male or female, that could self-fertilise and live TOTALLY independently of the other type of being to continue the human species? Why the need for love? Why the need for sex? Why the need for age? Why can’t humans just remain the way they are? Create a world where man enters the world the way he is and lives forever that way.

I know that if people don’t die and more people are born, the earth will have no place. But then, why do people need to born? Just have the existing number lah. A consistent number. GOD will have so little work to do then. I mean, death is something everyone fears. And when someone dies, GOD gets scolded and cursed. Why go through all these trouble right? Just don’t have death and birth!

But then and again, if there aren’t new people born, then we have to see the same boring faces everyday. Wouldn’t that be better? Knowing someone for a whole lifetime, yet you don’t know the person totally. So what’s the use of getting to know more people, when in the end, you don’t actually know the person totally! You just know that there’s such a person and his character. But you don’t know how he thinks, what he wants, and his true personality!

I know many people. But whom do I actually know inside out? Is it even possible to know someone inside out in a lifetime, say that I live for like 75 years? At one moment, one person can be someone I treasure. Another moment he might be the person I hate the most. Many people know me, but how sure can I be that anyone actually knows the way I think? The way I want to pave my life. If we all just know each other skin deep, then are these relationship genuine?

What then is a genuine relationship? I know that trust is the basis of all relationships but how much trust is needed to begin a genuine relationship? What if past experiences prove otherwise that trust can after all be betrayed? If trust is the basis of a relationship, why then does the word betrayal exist? Are trust and betrayal like birth and death? Another of GOD’s play?

Or is it just perspective?

Ragha’s perspective?

2008-11-08T00:17:00.001+08:00

At last! No more Mathematics for the rest of my life! YAHOO!!! Just finished with my Math Paper 2 today. Wasn’t that bad. Was manageable, compared to Paper 1. Paper 1 was a pure killer. Believe me, it was harder than prelims!!! Haha. I was so worried that I would fail Paper 1. And I was even more worried that Paper 2 would be a killer and that would mean that I will end up getting a U grade (again) for A levels. NOWAY would I want a U grade in my A level certificate.

But THANK GOD!!! Paper 2 wasn’t a killer. That means there’s chance that I will pass Math. Either a E or a D. I will really be satisfied with that grade. Although that would mean that I would have to disappoint our dear lokie (my Math tutor – Mr.Loke). He says that a pass is either a B or an A. I’m like no where near there. As long as I pass, I’m more than happy.

Biology wasn’t easy too. Compared to last year’s paper, it was terrible. I remember Jasmine saying that it was no use studying. And I totally agree. It was so much more of application rather than just understanding. Well, what’s the use of having such a killer paper when there’s already paper 3, which is supposed to be Application paper? I remember having to answer so many “suggest” questions. Like what the hell la. I can’t even answer normal questions that are direct and the Cambridge examiners expect me to suggest reasons and explanations for the questions that they ask!

Haha. Hopefully, biology paper 3 is an easy one (like math paper 2). And there’s MCQ too. MCQ never pulled up my grade all these while. It used to pull my grade down because I never scored more that 30 (out of 40). A mere score of 30 can make a big difference in the grade one scores. Haha. I really envy people who can score like 36 or 37. I’m referring to Zhiling here of course. Haha…

Just four more papers to go and that’s the end of As. One H2 and one H1. Chem paper 2 and MCQ next week. Followed by bio paper 3 and MCQ the following week. After that, I’m sure gonna enjoy. Can’t wait for it.

Talking about enjoy. I’m rather pissed with some people. Remember I blogged about wanting to spend quality time with my loved ones? Well, I SMS-ed some (those who don’t visit my blog) regarding wanting to meet them. They tell me “Okay. I will tell you soon.”. And then, till now they never get back to me. And I’m sure that they never will. Haha. And we will end up not meeting at all. Haha… And of course, some will blame me that I didn’t make the effort to meet them. Like hello!!!

I went temple today and am really pissed with a lot of indians. Especially those from India. They stare at girls like they never seen one before. From top to bottom, an intense stare. Not realizing that I’m beside my sister!!! Excuse me people. Get a life. All girls have the same thing! Whether they are strangers or your mother or sister, all girls have the same body parts. So get a freaking life and stop staring so much. Stare some more and I’m sure you wouldn’t have eyes to see anymore!

Oh. I was on my way to school and was having a lot of thoughts. After thinking so much, I asked myself “How come you think so much?”. Haha… I really don’t know. Thinking about something deeply is different from having so many thoughts. There were so many thoughts that I actually started to have a headache. And I wasn’t even thinking about exams or myself. But about the people around me and about their life. Haha… I just don’t know how I manage to do that.

Am gonna sleep. Dead tired. Gotta catch up on the sleep that I have lost these past few days!

2008-10-31T22:22:00.004+08:00

One burden gone. That is how I felt after doing my H2 Tamil Literature A level paper today. Haha. Apparently, Vitz felt the same way too. Really. Trust me. Only Vitz and I know how much we mugged for Tamil Literature paper. We sat at the RP tables, using the light that Karthik’s father pays for (only those that works are paid by him, according to Karthik), spending weekdays and weekends doing just TL Lit.

I was sure prepared when I went in to the exam venue. But the moment I opened the paper, I was so sure that I am far away from my A grade. I had prepared very much for this particular story (that my teacher said would definitely come out) and there was no question on that! DAMN!!! The poetry questions were equally disappointing. I remember crapping my way through for one question, writing a lot of psychological stuff! Hopefully I can get my A. But I’m prepared to see a B next year.

Before going to school for my paper, GOD knows why I was thinking about my life in ICS and all the people involved in ICS in one way or another. And I realized that I really admire Aunty Shini (original name: Dharshini). She’s like one of the genuine people I have seen in NYJC. Very rare to genuine Indians in Singapore. Talk about seeing one in NY when the Indian population is SO small.

Honestly, she is just simply herself whenever I see her. You can hardly find anything she says or does fake. As far as I have known her she’s someone who is quite adaptable but at the same time has her own limits. I remember how she suffered during Puyal ’08, having to choreograph the dances. The dancers on the other hand were super irritating, because they don’t turn up for practices on time. Some don’t even attend practice sessions lah. Haha. I knew deep down, she was sure angry. But she kept cool throughout the whole of Puyal time, till the end. She was such a great help during Puyal, especially with the dance.

I still remember how we chose the dance songs. We used the songs in my handphone, walked around the school, hunting for Cedar Girls (because it was briefing day that day). After that day, we got Moorthy to cut the songs. I remember how we wanted to give up half way. And how we scraped “Neruppae” song from the medley, because it was simply hard to choreograph and we didn’t have the time to teach the dances. Seriously, after teaching them for like weeks, some still couldn’t even get the steps for the first song. Aunty Shini was so organized in her dance. She SMS-ed everyone, like almost everyday (each SMS was like 3 pages long), telling them to practice their dance and bring their costumes.

Oh. The Alumni. Haha. They really pissed the hell out of me, the moment they interfered into Puyal show. I mean, I appreciate their effort to help us make the show a better one, but at the wrong time! I remember this particular alumnus whom Shini and I hated to the core. That person was just so crude about the dance. Even then Aunty Shini never showed her temper to anyone and worked together with the Puyal team. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. HER MUM ACTAULLY DIDN’T KNOW THAT SHE WAS HELPING OUT IN PUYAL. She practically lied to her mum everyday saying she is studying in school, school ended later and blab la, just to help with the dance. And of course, I really appreciate her courage for doing the opening dance (Bharathanatyam) on her own. I remember how afraid she was to do it. But she didn’t complain when we asked her to do it. Instead, she silently practiced at home and did a good performance on the actual day (although I didn’t see it, I know that Aunty Shini would have done a good job).

Coming back, I think she’s such a gem of a person. She just lets her emotions loose (except her anger). When she is happy, you know that she is. When she is sad, however much she tries to hide it, you can know. Such a cheerful person. Whenever you see, you cannot stop yourself from smiling. For me, I always laugh when I see her because she is such an aunty. The bag she carries, the thick file she carries and the way she walks. Not forgetting that she began carrying a 1.5 litre bottle to school recently. Haha. Just so aunty-ish.

She doesn’t only look aunty-ish. But I think the way she thinks is also aunty-ish. Maybe that’s why I find her genuine. She is matured; that’s the bottomline. For her size, many would expect her to be childish and all. But she is sure matured. Although she just turned18 (something that she had been waiting for for long), I could sense her maturity during Puyal. That maturity really got us far during Puyal preparation.

(Sorry that I had to mention this). I remember how she cried when she got her H1 Tamil results. She was so upset that she didn’t clear that she cried (wasting so many tissues. Wonder how many trees you killed.) I could see the amount of effort she had put in, in order to pass it. I always felt guilty that being a H2 Tamil student, I didn’t help her much in improving her Tamil. If I had helped a little more, could she have done better??? Haha… I don’t know. I am pretty sure that she will do well for her As this year. That’s Aunty Shini. She’s smart, cute and aunty!!!

Someone I will cherish and never forget!!! A genuine friend that I have found in NY. Aunty Shini.
(and I will never forget DAG – …diacylglycerol…)

...And that's Aunty Shini...

2008-10-29T21:17:00.002+08:00

Hey people.

My A levels start tomorrow.

At last. The two years of education is coming to a BIG test.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS (AND THOSE WHO ARE NOT) DOING A LEVELS,

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST. GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT. CHEERS.

And, I have got my enlistment letter (to NS). Going in on the 12^th of December 2008. (It’s Guna (Marsling) birthday on that day by the way). Rather soon. But I have got no choice. They called me. I have to go.

That leaves me with 20 days after my As to enjoy. I want to take 5 days for myself ( I will do whatever I want in that five days). That means that I have only 15 days left to meet my loved ones and friends. So guys, whoever who wants to meet me (and spend quality time), please do message me and “book a date”. Because I’m pretty sure I will be very busy meeting people and enjoying life. So, if you want to meet me, please SMS me in advance aites? Thanks!!! (And my As end on the 21st of November. Thanks to Amala who reminded me that I should mention when my As end. )

I will definitely make an effort to meet all my friends and loved ones in that 15 days that I have!!! Surely… No doubts!!!

I won’t be blogging till the end of As. Unless it’s really important. So yeah… I will be back to action after As.

2008-10-23T00:22:00.002+08:00

It’s been long since I blogged. I know. Haha. Sorry about that people. Really caught up with firewalking. Firewalking was on the 20^th of October by the way. Now that firewalking is officially over, I’m of course, back to action.

Firewalking was super fun. Really!!! It was unlike other years. This year, I felt that I had enjoyed every moment of firewalking ceremony, right from the start till the end. Not only on the day of the firewalking but the post and pre events of the firewalking. Even the closing of the fire pit. I didn’t miss out anything (yeah, the second day of the chariot procession – missed it!). I am just so happy that GOD gave me the opportunity to see everything – every action, every reaction… What else do I need? Hmm. Such a satisfaction. Despite having to stress myself that As in nearing, I managed to enjoy every bit of the firewalking festival. Thank you GOD!!!

Of course, every event in life has its ups and down. So does Firewalking 2008. Met many new people. Of course, there were the old ones too. Haha. Just too many things happened over that night. One night with so many stories to tell. Haha. Amazing! But true. I have to admit that I know too many people for good. Seriously. Every direction I turned in the temple, I remember having to say 'Hi' to someone or smile at someone, regardless of whether I know them. Too friendly I guess.

And there are people out there who think I have changed. Of course la. I have changed. I don’t deny that. 97% of the people change. 1% doesn’t. 2% of the people don’t even know what a change is. Haha. Surely. I have changed. Not for the worse. Definitely, for the better. Why do I even have to care whether the change in me affects you people? Well, even if you are close to me, I don’t see the need to not change myself just because you can’t adapt to the change. Anyway, the change in me isn’t that major. So stop complaining la people.

Oh ya. My name is Uthaya Raghavandran. You see. It’s such a long name. So of course, one can have many variations. It’s like RFLP (restriction fragment length polymorphism. Too much biology does this). So there are people who know me as Uthaya. Some call me Ragha. Others call me Raghavan. Some call me Kuppusamy, although that has got no link to my name. Some gongs call me Khatibboi. Some call me Annae. Some call me thambi. Some call me darling. Some call me dear. Some call me chellam. Well… I have got so many names which people call me with. But I’m just one person la. I’m not some anniyan or what so ever. Grow up la. I do have nicks. But then again, I have to ‘approve’ those nicks before anyone can call me. Oh yeah. Another nick of mine is NavaBoi. Haha… One of my favourite!

As is in another 6 days. Wait wait. Reality check. Deepavali is nearing. That means this Sunday will sure be spent cleaning my house. Of course, my room is in a thorough mess. And the dining table which I use as a study table is in a bigger mess. I have to clear that before Sunday. Hmm. Not forgetting Deepavali day itself. Monday, 27^th October. Sure cannot study. Will have relatives coming to my house. Have to entertain them mah. (It’s Aunty Shini’s birthday on 27^th October. Please do remember to wish her ya.) And then, will have to go Deepavali shopping as well, to Little India (Tekka). That means three days gone. 24, (25), (26), (27), 28, 29… That leaves me with THREE days to study!!! ARGH… I have yet to press the panic button yet. I don’t intend to do so too. Because the moment one starts to panic, he can forget about doing well. But THREE days isn’t a lot. YIKES!!!

At least, I have been spending the past few days productively. Going to RP to mug with my dearest sister Vitz. Thanks Vitz, for introducing such a great place. And of course, Vitz and I are great study buddies. We really enjoy studying together – not forgetting all the stupid stuff we do while studying. Like scolding the love couple, who make soooo much of noise while we are studying IN THE LIBRARY. And insulting people and crapping about everything on earth. GOSH. Studying is fun if you have the right company.

I know I have been neglecting A LOT of people, due to As and firewalking. Sorry about that people. I know it’s not the right time to be thinking of such things – about people around me – like what all others are doing. But then… I’m just different. Like what Karthik says ‘non-conformist’. Hmm. After As, surely I will make an effort to meet all my friends and enemies too. Surely. Would like to spend quality time with all my friends before I go to NS. And yeah. Before I go to NS, I have got a big job to do! A REAL BIG one. It will solve a long long long problem. Hopefully. I can’t be sure of the outcome. But I will sure carry on with the big thing.

Well… It’s 1am… Need to go and sleep. Have got school tomorrow. And I have to make use of the rest of the days to mug like hell!! So adioZ people… Cheers.

ZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZzzzZZZzzz

2008-10-16T20:29:00.001+08:00

Just stop talking rubbish lah. Really. It’s just a few more days. And u still talk soooo much rubbish and complain. Aiyo!!! Cannot make it sia.

Well, let me see. 12 days. Ya. That’s what I saw on that stupid TV screen, that’s almost everywhere in the school (maybe except the toilets and classroom. Wait a minute. Half the school is made up of classrooms. Fine.)
12 days. Not a lot eh.
Have to start mugging like “GOD knows what”.

And I can’t wait for theemithi. It’s like in another 3 days. Gosh… I’m just upset that I won’t be going for the chariot procession. Will sure miss that fun. But I would rather stay at home and spend that time mugging. Cos after the chariot procession which will for sure end at like 1am, I can’t possibly get home. Unless I take a cab. But of course, I wouldn’t want to waste money on a taxi. Given that we are like going to fall into recession. If I don’t want to take a taxi, then I have to spend the night in the temple, which I seriously don’t mind. But given that I have got like As coming up pretty soon, I really mind staying in the temple and doing NOTHING. I can just forget about seeing the chariot. But I will sure never miss the theemithi. Hopefully I don’t have any (forced) consultations on Monday. It’s not like I will go also. Cos I want to watch the after-celebrations of theemithi.

Hmm. Saturday is in another two days time. And that means I will be going RP to mug with my dearest sister Vitz. I don’t know how she is coping with the As stress. Hopefully she is coping well. Many of my friends in NY aren’t coping very well. Zhiling of course, is so relaxed like always.

Oh ya. Was talking to her yesterday. Asked her what she is planning to do in Uni. And she said “Dunno”. Like what the hell. A potential all As student, doesn’t know what she wants to do in Uni. Then I asked her what she wants to become when she grows up. And her reply is, “Dunno”. I just don’t know what to say Maoie. She doesn’t have any goal. But she achieves grades and that means she can do whatever she wants. Haha. Anyway, Maoie. It’s great knowing such a person like you. So smart and still so humble.

Well, graduated ready. I really don’t feel happy or sad that I graduated. Just don’t know what to think. I mean, I should be feeling a little sad that I won’t be with my friends anymore. The two years that I had bee with them just came to an end, very abruptly! We spent that Friday afternoon; taking loads of photo (will upload them after I compile all of them).

And we got our class shirt. I think 0705 will be the only class that got its class shirt on the last official day of school. But we really liked that shirt. It was simple and nice. And of course, I love my shirt!!! It doesn’t have my name. But reads something in Chinese. Which is supposed to mean something like a flirt or something. I don’t remember who came up with that name. But I really don’t mind that name. Haha. They came up with it because, according to them, I leave them and go and talk to my Indian Girl friends. Haha. And that’s so NOT TRUE.
I’m really gonna miss 0705. Surely. They made me feel home in NY.I was like so abandoned when I first came. Because I didn’t know anyone there. Even though I’m the only non-chinese in 0705, I never felt left out. (felt and left look so similar) Even the teachers. Especially Mr.Loke. I still don’t know how he tolerates my Math. Haha. I have been consistent in getting U grade since J1. And he still hasn’t given up on me (and Auyeong). He still cares and makes an extra effort to ensure that we pass (his pass is either a B or A). Haha. Hopefully I don’t disappoint him. Shall ensure a decent grade for Math. Not forgetting MG (Mark Goh) and Ms Tan. Nice tutors and nice people (note that I differentiate tutors from people. Not all nice tutors are good people.)

Funny to think that life in NY is coming to an end so fast. It seems like yesterday that I joined in. I know it may sound too exaggerated. But that’s how it seems. NY is just moving away too fast. But then, I think it’s for the good.

Well, ICS. I used to like ICS. Not after all that shit I went through after Puyal. I will never hate the people in ICS. The Gladys gang (Loshy, Tanisha, Joanna, Germz, MariAnah). My BFs (Arrun, Sara blackie, Barney). Aunties (Shini and Sutha). Oh yeah, the couple of ICS – Arrun and Sutha. Funny couple. Haha. This is not all the people in ICS. Many more. I will sure never forget any of them, whether good or bad.

I mean, one cannot expect a journey in life to be all smooth sailing. Have to go through ups and downs right? Well, NY life had its own negative and positive sides. I loved all of them All had an experience to teach me. Far from what I went through in SJI, NYJC proved to me that life is not about how you see things, but how everyone around you sees just one thing. Perspective la. How people are and whether you can basically adapt to them. How nice you can be? True friendships. I can boldly say that I didn’t meet any “oh-all-true-friends” in NY. But I made friends who I know I can treasure forever. People who I can turn to for help and people who I will never forget!!! (Good thing no one cried on graduation day).

My experience in NY doesn’t stop. Have got more to share. But I have passed my time limit for using the computer. Haha. So gotta go guys.

To all A level does:
All the best! Don’t lose confidence and never underestimate your potential.

ALL THE BEST.
CHEERS!!!

2008-10-13T13:04:00.004+08:00

Hit that button and all will fall into place.
Yes.
That's the button all right!

Graduated.

Need to mug.

Jerome turned 18 today.
Dappa turned 19 today.

Talked today. Pretty short. After long.

Still pissed.
Can't stand that particular innocent look.
Call it pitiful. I'm ain't a fool.
Mature la. PLS?

Tired.

Can't wait.
Still deciding.

Not long.

Panick or not to???

2008-10-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

480 hours. That’s what my principal said today during the principal’s talk, in which I was trying extremely hard to stay awake.

YES. 480 HOURS. 20 DAYS.

That is all I have for my A levels. Not long eh.
I remember pressing the ‘panic button’ a month or so during my O levels year.
It’s A levels and 20 days more, but I haven’t seemed to have pressed that ‘panic button’.
Am I ready or just ignorant???
(Ignorant is bliss though. Hahaha.)

Two days to graduate. Like two days. After that two days I’m officially NO longer a NYJCian. My identity for the past two years!

Read Zhi Ling’s blog. I like her analogy – graduation and the gauze on a wound.
I could feel the pain, the worry, the parting-sorrow.

I still remember my primary school mates crying when we parted on the last day of school (it was prize giving day then). I remember my dear Shorty Shalu crying. Haha. Just had to mention this here.

SJI – no one I knew cried. Well it’s an all-boys school. Rare to see people in SJI cry. I remember the graduation ceremony was a VERY formal one. And after the ceremony, remember people just rushing back home. I still remember that JJ (my best friend) and I – we didn’t bother saying a simple good bye. May be because we just knew that a good bye is something we would never say to each other. Oh and the Indians – we took a photo at the canteen. We weren’t in good terms at that time though. Or may be I wasn’t in good terms with most of them. Haha. Even now, we don’t have very close contact. Just met at SJI – outside the TLS room, during Teachers’ Day. Went for a movie after that – Wall E.

I don’t know how the graduation for JC will be. Haha. 0705. The class that made me feel all so welcomed when I first came to NY. The Indians – nothing much to say about them.
Most of them are just busy studying for As. C’mon man. 20 days!!! Not long…

And ya, my buddy Jerome is turning 18 next Monday. Interesting! I don’t know. But it seems so nice to see my close buddy turning 18 after a long year wait. He’s of legal age now! Haha. But I don’t think he can celebrate. There’s mock test for GP on Monday.

Oh! 13th October. I know a lot of people who born on that day. Dappa – my darling Godsister. And she’s turning 19. Veena – the emo queen of my ICS – 17. and there’s a few more. But I just don’t remember.

OH!!! IT’S SARAH’S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW. HAHA. SHE’S TURNING 18 TOO. SHE HAS BEEN LIKE COUNTING DOWN (IN HOURS AND MINUTES) FOR HER BIRTHDAY. HAHA.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY SARAH!!!

2008-10-06T13:10:00.003+08:00

I just don't know what to say.

Too many things racing through my mind.

My heart doesn't want to think.

It just says "STOP THINKING".

My mind continues thinking - nothing about As though.

All this thinking is necessary but NOT NOW.

I just wanna scream at you. But it's just four days. 4... 4... 4... nowhere near 700plus days (that should be two years of JC life)

Well, graduating in four days too...

... ... ... ... ...

..... ..... .....

Ragha will never change.

2008-10-01T10:58:00.002+08:00

I spent one hour plus watching Dhool 08 Grand Finals via youtube. Haha. I didn't mind that I used that time to watch dance rather then study. Well, that one hour was sure worth it.

Aerocratz is GOOD!!!

Their dance has brought a new dimension to dance, especially the Singapore Indian dance. All these while, Dhool has been just plain dancing. Some groups even made appearance on National TV with their 'anjadi-fied', 'street-dance'. This year's Dhool, obviously reached a higher level - all thanks to AEROCRATZ.

I just don't know how else I can describe them. They are just THAT good. They deserved the standing ovation the judges gave them. No group has ever got such a respect before. Not once, but twice!!!

Killabeez were good too. I personally prefer their usual style. I found their style rather new on Dhool Finals. And like what one of the judges said about the song they chose. It didn’t seem very appropriate for a Final’s performance. But nevertheless, they did it well and deserved their second position. AR wasn’t that bad too.

Interestingly most of the dance group did a dance that had some relation to war. God knows why. Well, since it was mostly war dances, the competition was rather fair that most of them danced for a same theme. And true enough, Aerocratz outstood from the rest… Hats off Aerocratz!!!

--- ---

Navarathiri has begun. Yahoo. I was waiting for it all year.

Went temple to watch my dear sister Kanegal dance. Well, she was rather afraid and nervous. But she can dance. Honestly. She’s got the potential but just has to be more confident of herself. She can go far. One thing for sure, she’s super lazy!!! Haha…

And after this will be the theemithi (firewalking) fever. Less than a month or so…Hmmm…

And of course, there’s A levels. Hmmm… Did I tell? I got E for my Bio prelims. First time ever in NYJC, I passed my Bio. Haha. I was happy. Like really. ‘Cos I wanted to pass my bio, so that I wouldn’t be getting my normal two Us. I cleared it. YEAH!! But then again. An E isn’t good enough for As. Have got to give in my 170% to get a decent grade for Bio. Gotta mug like GBF!!!

2008-09-29T10:53:00.002+08:00

I have never hated someone this much. Okay. Maybe I have. Those people were all my age or some where near there. It’s just simply amazing how I can hate someone old – my dad’s age. And the hatred isn’t a small one. It is pretty huge, I’d say.

All you can think of is me being a liar. In the world, as far as I can think of for now, there are two main reasons why you may not trust a person.

1. All/most of the people you have met so far have been lying or cheating you.
2. The lie that was told seems totally absurd or you know very well that the person in lying.

I wouldn’t blame those who fit into the first category. They are just being extra precautious not to fall into that same trap again. Those in the second category, unless you are pretty smart, then maybe you can identify whether the person is really lying.

What if the person wasn’t lying?

Then the only reason why you don’t want to trust me is because whatever I told you doesn’t seem to fit into your lifestyle – the Indian lifestyle. Seriously! Why the hell would I bother to think of such a huge lie? I mean, yes. It is out of the ordinary. That doesn’t mean it will not happen? You just need to let your perspective widen a little more. I can’t blame you. You are like that because you are INDIAN.

After all the years of experience you had, you still don’t want to change and stick to your rigid principles and beliefs. You complain about every single thing, not realizing how much of the blame is on you. If every person you meet treats you the same way, then hello, wake up! The problem lies with you!

I have been telling myself that it’s only a few more months with you. Today, it would be 29 days left with you. But I really cannot stand you and your nonsense. You reprimanded me for something I didn’t do. I could have argued but I didn’t want to. Most people know that I love arguing, especially if I am being blamed for something I didn’t do. But today, I just knew that there was no point arguing. You had just tattoo-ed “RAGHA IS A LIAR” in your heart. And there is no way I can erase it. And it’s not like I’m bothered to.

Advising/reprimanding (choose whichever you want) me in public doesn’t spoil my image, especially if I’m not in the wrong. And you can even say “I shall stop scolding you. People might think badly about you.” HELLO!!! Get this in your attrociously intellectual brain. The only reason why you got the chance to scold me was because I wasn’t bothered to tell you the truth. If I had just started arguing, you surely would have to shut up. I simply didn’t see how you make the links between things that happen at random times.

You and your bunch of people of the same community really make my life hell. Thanks!!! I thought I could be leading a different life now but NO. Being Indians, you’ll never let an Indian outstand. You just prove the famous/infamous indian “crab story”.

I’m more than amazed with myself how I actually survived these so many months with you. I just thank GOD for giving me patience. I think it’s time that I move away –really far away, from you. Even if it might just affect my studies, I think it’s the best solution. I don’t want to lose my peace. At least, I will be able to secure a lot more stuff without you.

Curse me all you want like what you have been doing for the past few months. But I stick to my decision. Giving you too much respect and seeing for your feelings has just left me in such a state that I have to hate you.

I know you will never visit my blog because you don’t even know I have one and neither are you that kind of person who goes about reading blogs. But let me tell you something.

“I’m not in the wrong and I don’t owe you anything. I want to be and am independent. So just let me be.”

(I am still amazed how I can be so irritated and hate someone who should be respected for his age and profession.)

SIGH!!!

.........................................................................................................................................................................

I missed Dhool 08 - Finals. The results were rather expected. Aerocratz - First. Killabeez - Second. AR - Third. Although, I still hoped that some other group made it in replacement with one of the top three. Then again, I have got no rights to judge because I didn't see the performances. Maybe they did extremely well and deserve a place in the top three after all. Shall go check out the videos on youtube (if they have).

...

And for you 'typical' who wants to talk to me. I could see the numerous attempts you made approaching me, to talk to me. Obviously, I ignored all the attempts you made BUT I sure didn't make it obvious! Well, I shall be nice for the rest of the 29 days. I'm always there - a phonecall away or a SMS away. So ya...

^***^

SIGH. RAGHA WILL NEVER CHANGE.

2008-09-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Alot of things have been happening. Of course. It has been extremely long since I blogged. Have been receiving requests to blog at least twice a week. Haha. I didn't know that my blog was so famous.
= To all those who requested: I will try my best to blog at least once a week la. 'Cos As is nearing. =

Well prelims results are out. Or at least most of the subjects. Waiting for Bio results. Hopefully I pass that. Mathematics. Isn't it obvious? Failed it. U grade. But the marks have increased. No more the same old 25%. This time it is 32%. Expected a greater difference though, for all that I practiced! Another U for Chem. Well, not that surprised also. 'Cos I didn't prepare much for it.

Apart from studies, the people around me are just so irritating. Well, after prelims results came. This 'typical' in my school decided to turn to me for his 'emo' session. Well, you couldn't find anybody else is it? When I SMSed you something important, regarding studies somemore, you weren't bothered to reply. But when you want to emo, the first person you look for is me! And you can SMS and come looking for me. Like hello... After all that happen you still never change eh?

RP is still the best place to study. And Vitz is sure the best study buddy I ever had so far. Like we really enjoy the studies sessions. And not forgetting Gaya Devi. OH MY GOD. Her voice is like heaven. I heard her sing "Engae Yenathu Kavithai" during CJC competiton. After that I came home download the song and was addicted to it for a few weeks. Today she joined us for our study session at RP and I forced her to sing (more like tortured). She sang. And now, thanks to her, I'm addicted to the "Vennilavae" from "Minsara Kanavu".
{Thanks Menax for sending me that song. I asked her and the next minute I get the song. Wow. Extremely resourceful sisters I have.}

And I'm taking a stand. I HATE MURALIKUMAR s/o THANABAL... Vits will know why. Haha...
And yeah this same Murali has been (unwillingly) my new found BEST friend, according to dear Vits.

DHOOL 08 tomorrow. Can't wait to see who wins. Aerocratz. Killabeez. My two favourtie groups. Aerocratz really deserve to win la. For all the effort they have put in thus far, it would be an utter waste if they don't win or at least get top two. I'm sure they will la. I just don't want a particular group to be in the top three (Vitz should know). Haha... Just a personal dislike towards that group.

Oh ya. Vitz has found a new boyfriend for herself. The lizard at the third floor light near building E3. Believe it. The lizard was showing it's butt to Vitz. And Vitz, of course, was staring at it and not studying. She was like totally mesmerized by it la. Congratulations Vitz, with your new boyfriend.

Vitz and I really shared alot of stuff today la. Mostly about relationships. Not the usual normal ones. Haha... Well... Too much personal stuff shared to be discussed here....

Vennilavae ROCKS...